Ridonculous Vegans
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Imagine what it might have been like if the Vegans team from The Ridonculous Race had avoided elimination in Brazil and gotten farther in the Race? Read to find out how far they make it, and if they do or don't win. Inspired by two similar fan fictions about the Geniuses and the Fashion Bloggers.
1. Prologue

**A/N: I have partly read a couple of fan fictions about the Geniuses and the Fashion Bloggers surviving their canon eliminations and lasting longer in The Ridonculous Race, and they gave me my inspiration to try my own hand at it with the Vegans. This fanfic starts with the end of episode 5, where the Vegans ate meat, came in last, and were not yet eliminated in canon.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own The Ridonculous Race or Total Drama. Fresh TV has that honor.**

* * *

Taylor and Kelly were impatiently waiting out what was left of their penalty.

"For sure, our penalty is up now?" demanded Taylor.

"Ooohh, no, noooo! Oh, Look! Here they come now!" announced Don, the host.

Laurie and Miles, the Vegans team, and Rock and Spud, the Rockers, were rushing to the Chill Zone side by side, carrying their plates that had once held their "feasts." They both tried to pick up speed, until…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Penalty up!" said Don. Kelly and Taylor promptly stepped on the Carpet of Completion. Then, Laurie and Miles just barely got on the Carpet before the Rockers did. They didn't look altogether happy about it, and that was because they, a couple of vegans, thought they had to eat meat in order to stay in the race.

"My little meat-eating Vegans," said Don, "you're in fourteenth place! Rockers, I'm sorry, you came in last place."

"Ohhh!" said Laurie, "We made it! But just think what we had to do. We just ate so many animals! So many!"

Miles puked on the Carpet.

"Oh, man!" said Spud.

"That's a bummer," said Rock, "I was hoping we could stay in longer. Next time I tell you, Spud, that you've gotta help me with a challenge, you've gotta listen!"

"Don't worry, man," said Spud, "I got this in the bag! Maybe we'll still win this!"

"We just lost, dude," Rock replied.

"Oh yeah, right," said Spud.

"Not necessarily," said Don, "This happens to be a non-elimination round! You're still in the race! For now."

"Oh, MAN!" said Rock. "You hear that, Spud? We haven't lost yet!"

"Told ya maybe we'll win this," said Spud, smiling.

They air guitar together.

"Wait a minute!" Laurie said suddenly, in a voice that could only be described as furious, "Are you telling me… I, ate, animals… FOR NOTHING!?"

"Uh, not necessarily, Laurie," Don tried to reason with her. "You see-" But he was interrupted by Laurie tackling and assaulting him on the Carpet. Laurie, hardly her usual serene self, growled and screamed as she bruised Don and gave him a black eye.

"SECURITY!" yelled Don, "A LITTLE HELP HERE! See you next time – on – The Ridonculous Race! HEEELLLPPP!"

As Laurie carried on her assault, Miles stumbled over to the others at the Carpet and puked again. The Rockers and Mom/Daughter recoiled.

* * *

 **A/N: Yes, I decided to let the Vegans come in not quite last, to make them feel like they accomplished something, but I thought it might still be amusing to see Laurie introduce Don to a world of pain, which I think should've happened to Chris McLean long ago. The only spoiler I'm giving readers is that the Vegans are, evidently, going to last longer in the Race than in canon. They also won't suffer nearly as much abuse in episode 6 as they really did. But they are in for a wild ride, particularly with other eating challenges in the future, most of which also involve meat. But no clues will be given as to how far they will get, or whether or not they win.**

 **I'll be writing the first full chapter soon, so stay tuned!**


	2. Brazilian Pain Forest

**A/N: The story has been introduced now. Get ready to see how the Vegans deal with the rest of the Race. Some of the eliminations of other teams will also be mixed up, as well as some canon dialogue, to give some sense of originality. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Episode 6: Brazilian Pain Forest**

 _Last time, on the Ridonculous Race…_

 _"Our teams got 'geysered' in Iceland. What fun!"_

 _Footage of teams dodging and jumping over geysers with difficulty, and of Owen with his head in a geyser._

 _"Then, they had to either chip a fossil out of ice, or devour an entire traditional Icelandic feast. The Goths came in first, and they went 'crazy.' The Vegans, surprisingly, went rogue, due to unfortunate circumstances, and just barely avoided coming in last. That dishonor went to the Rockers, because of Spud's apparent sloth at the feast. But it was a non-elimination round, so they get to stay. And another thing; when Laurie found out she didn't have to eat meat after all, I learned that not all girls punch like girls."_

 _The Goths easily eat their feast, showing no displeasure. The Vegans, especially Miles, sob over their own feast. They just barely outrun the Rockers to the Chill Zone, and Laurie furiously attacks Don._

 _"Fortunately, I survived that encounter, and security managed to get Laurie under control. But one team won't survive today. Who will it be? Just watch. This is… The Ridonculous Race!"_

 **(The opening titles roll)**

* * *

"Here in Iceland is the previous leg's Chill Zone," said Don, who still has his black eye, "And today, it's the starting line for today's leg. Team number one, the Goths, will leave first. Here they are as they get their first travel tip."

The teams read that they would be flying to Brazil.

"Brazil! Home to samba music, makers of fine coffee, a confusing film by Terry Gilliam (so they say), and other things that keep me awake at night," said Don.

Footage of Brazilian photos, coffee beans, and a dizzy-looking bird that squawked noisily.

"Teams will travel to Brazil on these chartered planes," Don continued, "The first flight will have eight teams, and will go straight to its destination. The second flight, which will have the other seven teams, goes to Brazil on a milk run."

Sounds of cows mooing in the background.

"Literally!" said Don, grinning.

The teams collected their tips, one by one, and rushed for taxis as fast as possible.

"Our first eight teams have reached the airport, and are now getting on the first flight."

The Surfer Dudes, the Ice Dancers, the Reality TV Pros, the Daters, the Best Friends, the Fashion Bloggers, and the Goths got on the plane at once. Father and Son trailed behind. Dwayne was still holding his "stolen" fossil from the previous round.

"Good thing we're not on the ol' 'milk run' train," said Dwayne cheerfully, "Thanks to us finding this fossil, we've got the cleaner flight!"

"I still feel bad about taking it from the Vegans," said Junior.

"Yeah, but it was an accident, son," said Dwayne, "We didn't know it was theirs. And Don wouldn't let us return it to them. But you know, as they say, 'happy wife, happy life.'"

He lifted the fossil high up in the air, and dropped it. It shattered to pieces on the pavement.

Dwayne looked at it guiltily, but Junior said, "Weeelllll, it's the thought that counts. Come on!"

Dwayne still looked sad, but he followed Junior aboard the plane. Everyone else was strapped in tightly. Owen, ever afraid of flying, was chewing on one ear of his teddy bear, Beary.

"Owen is still terrified of flying, especially in a military plane," said bored-looking Noah.

Footage shows of Owen being sucked out of a damaged military plane in Total Drama.

"Can you blame me? I almost died!" Owen replied. Then he made one of his most disgusting belches, spitting out pieces of Beary all over Noah.

"Oh no! Beary!" he said and cried.

Noah glared in annoyance.

The Ice Dancers, who were sitting next to them, were in a mood of their own.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Last time, we didn't win the round," said a frowning Josee, "If we don't win this one either, I'm getting a new partner!" She turned her frown on Jacques, who looked uncomfortable.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The other seven teams piled into the second plane, which, as Don promised, was filled with cows and other farm stuff. The first plane started to take off…

Only to have one wheel roll over some sharp debris on the runway, rendering it unable to take off.

"The first plane was the one that was supposed to take off first," said Don, "But now it looks like today's winners have become today's losers, as the second plane takes off first instead."

As the second plane flew on its way, most of the teams on-board looked uneasy or disgusted by the farm beasts and their smell, although Laurie and Miles were trying to enjoy the company of a small sheep.

Taylor was frowning at one of the cows. "No way! I am not getting involved with this," she said.

"Oh, Taylor," said her mother Kelly, "Don't be so hard on them! Cows are part of almost everybody's life. You eat them, you wear them, you use them for-"

The cow farted at them. Taylor and Kelly held their noses and complained about the stench.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"A cow pooped on my boots!" exclaimed Taylor. "This reeks!"

Kelly said, "You know, people said that we wouldn't last two days on this show. They said we'd never be able to travel out in the hills. Well, we may be called a lot of things, but one thing we're not… is quitters."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"I'm quitting," said Taylor, kicking a goat in its rear.

"Ha, ha," said Kelly, "You just wait by the car."

The kicked goat burst out of the area it had been kicked and head-butted Taylor across the room.

Laurie and Miles looked guilty as they gazed at a couple of sheep.

"I can't believe I ate animals just to stay in the race," said Laurie, "And it was non-elimination, so I didn't have to. I didn't have to!" she wailed.

Miles slapped her lightly. "Please, Laurie, control yourself! We can't let that incident bother us forever. What happened in Iceland, stays in Iceland."

"You're right, Miles," said Laurie, "We can't afford to worry about the past while we're still in the race. (Sigh)."

"And besides, have you ever thought that maybe, in order to help the animals of the world, a few need to be hurt, or killed?" said Miles. "I should've remembered that in Iceland, myself. 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."

"Sounds rough," said Laurie. "Who said that?"

"I think it was Yoda, from Star Wars," said Miles.

"No, wait, I remember. It was Spock from Star Trek, not Yoda," said Laurie.

"It's been awhile since I last spent a lot of time watching movies," said Miles, "so I guess I can't be expected to know everything."

A little bad breath apparently came out of Laurie's mouth.

"Ew! Is that… sheep's head on your breath?" Miles exclaimed.

"It… must be," said Laurie. She hollered, "Does anybody have a breath mint?"

"Me too! I need one too!" said Miles.

Kelly tossed them a couple. "I always carry some around with me, and I have plenty to share."

"That's right, mom," said Taylor sarcastically, "Help the other teams when we need to win."

"Okay, I won't do it again!" said Kelly.

A cow walked over to the Adversity Twins and mooed. To the Twins' surprise, neither of them sneezed by being near a barnyard animal.

"Hmm, I wonder why we didn't sneeze," said Mickey, "We are lactose intolerant, after all."

"Beats me," said Jay, "I just hope our luck holds out today."

Soon, due to the magic of editing, Don said, "The second flight is now landing in their destination, the Brazilian Rain Forest."

As soon as the ramp lowered, Jay and Mickey rushed out in a panic, putting plenty of distance between themselves and the animals. They temporarily missed the Don Box as they ran.

"We have our answer," said Mickey, "Our lactose intolerance extends to even being near cows!"

Jay peeked out from behind a tree and farted. "Does somebody have some toilet paper, or some napkins, or maybe clean pants?" They looked hopefully at Kelly, who was coming out of the plane next with her daughter.

"Oh, please, people," she said, "Just because I happen to have breath mints doesn't mean I'm carrying everything possible for a competitor in need!"

"Yeah," said Taylor with her hands on her hips, "You weaklings find your own dirty paper!"

Jay and Mickey shivered. Mickey said, "I can't bear to be chastised when I'm suffering!"

"Me neither!" said Jay, farting again.

Kelly and Taylor just rolled their eyes.

Teams gathered around the Don Box and took their tips from it.

"It's a Botch-or-Watch," MacArthur was first to say.

We see Don walking by an oven mitten hanging from a nail on a tree. "In this Botch-or-Watch, whoever didn't swim with sharks in the Mediterranean must perform a rite of passage by sticking their hand in this oven mitten, which is crawling with bullet ants on the inside, in order to get their next tip."

He dropped a leg of chicken meat in the mitten, and the ants quickly devoured it all, to Don's surprise. He smiled and said, "This is crazy!"

"What's so bad about bullet ants, Emma?" asked Kitty.

"Their mandibles are poisonous," said Emma, "The poison causes temporary swelling, and the pain lasts for about twenty-four hours before it wears off."

"Terrific!" said Kitty sarcastically.

Jay and Mickey looked unusually confident about this challenge. "I've been bitten by poisonous bites so often that I've developed an immunity," said Mickey, "In fact, I even survived an encounter with a big jellyfish, which sat on my head like a hat. We're gonna rule this challenge!" He and Jay high-fived, or they tried to; they missed.

"We don't high-five much," Mickey explained, "We're not very good at it."

They tried it again, but Jay accidentally hit Mickey, and he went flying into Spud, who was doing the challenge first. "Oof!" Spud fell headfirst into the mitt.

When he stood up, Spud had a swollen face, with partly blurred vision and a neutral expression on his face. The tip was stuck in his hair.

Laurie and Miles recoiled. "I hope that doesn't happen to you," Miles said to Laurie, "Those Twins are so clumsy."

"They can't be trusted," agreed Laurie.

"That makes three of us," remarked Taylor.

Rock stared at Spud as if he knew what was going on with his friend.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Spud has a weird condition," said Rock, "Because he's not good at much, he has a very slow reaction to things, even extreme feelings like pain and fear. I'd say it'll take about, two hours or so, for him to start feeling the effects of that venom. Then he'll be all like, 'Aaaahhh! Ooooohhh! Aaaahhhh!"

Swollen Spud sat next to him and said, "What did you just say, man?"

"Oh, nothin', Spud," said Rock.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Rock took the tip and read it. "We have to swing to the coconuts. What the heck does that mean?"

Don swung across a ravine on a vine, screaming like Tarzan. Upon landing on the other side, he explained the next task.

"After finishing up at the mitten, teams must cross this ravine by this vine, or by any other means necessary."

He walked over to a large pile of coconuts.

"Then, they must look for their next tip hidden within these coconuts. However, three are only nineteen tips, and a multitude of coconuts."

"Sounds great, man," said Spud. "Let's go!" He started walking back the way the teams came. Rock stopped him and guided him in the right direction.

Chet and Lorenzo took their turn next. "Watch, snot-head, as a master takes out the tip from under those stupid ants' mandibles!"

The ants bit his hand, and he cried out in pain. When the hand came out, it was swollen like Spud's face.

"Yeah, right!" said Chet, "You're pathetic. I'll do it myself!"

The ants bit his hand too. But he managed to get the tip this time.

Mickey was about to go next, when MacArthur bodily rammed him away from the tree. "Step aside, little shrimp!" said the feisty cadet, about to take her turn instead.

"Hey, don't you think that was rude?" asked Miles, walking up to her.

MacArthur promptly shoved her into Laurie, never cracking the smile on her face. The Vegans glared.

"What can I say?" was MacArthur's excuse. "I got a fire in my glutes, and I gotta burn the fuel before it burns me!"

"Uh, are you sure that's what you meant to say?" asked a confused Sanders.

"Of course it was, Sanders!" yelled MacArthur. "Not stop wasting our precious time!"

She dipped her hand in the mitt for the tip, and soon felt the same pain as the others.

"They're on my person! They're on my person!" she complained, trying to brush them off her arm as she ran. Sanders followed.

Mickey tried again, but this time, Taylor sprung in front of him and glowered menacingly, frightening Mickey visibly.

"All right, this is going too far!" exclaimed Kitty, yanking Taylor away. "He was there first, and you have no right to intimidate him just to butt in. Leave him alone."

Taylor sighed. "Fine, I'll go after him." She walked away in a huff. Mickey and Kitty smiled at each other in a friendly way. Then Mickey took the tip, painlessly and without swelling.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Cute girls don't talk to us, ever," said Mickey.

"Unless it's to ask us if we're okay, or we know where we're going, or if we need help, or even to advise us to see a shrink," said Jay.

"Kitty's attention really made my day that day," said Mickey, smiling sheepishly.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Mickey looked very content as he shared another smile with Kitty, and she took a selfie of them together with a cute grin.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Didn't we agree not to make any alliances?" said a disappointed Emma.

"I never agreed to that," said Kitty. "You decided to have it that way."

"Kitty's in favor of trusting our competitors," said Emma with a sarcastic smile.

"And Emma doesn't trust anybody ever since she broke up with her boyfriend, Jake," said Kitty.

"What?-I, uh-You-Aaggghh!" stammered Emma.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Taylor stared nervously at the glove, and then she blew into it. The tip came flying out, and she caught it.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Would you believe that I have the most powerful lung capacity?" said Taylor.

Kelly chuckled. "One time, years ago, Taylor held her breath for seven minutes until her dad and I agreed to get her a Malibu Boney doll house she wanted so much."

"It was so the best thing I ever got," said Taylor, "I played with it once, and then I threw it out."

Kelly eyed her funny.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Finally, our turn," said Laurie. She reached into the mitten and grabbed the tip. In a second, her hand smarted like crazy. She hissed and waved her arm.

"Was what you said before about hurting a few animals to help many animals apply to this, too?" she asked Miles.

"Of course it does!" said Miles. "I know we said we want ants to be treated well, but there are so many of them in the world, and they're in no danger of going extinct."

"Whew! That's a relief!" said Laurie, brushing off the ants and trying to ignore her stinging hand. "I just hope I can still do the next challenge."

"If the other teams can, so can we," reasoned Miles.

Rock and Spud swung over the ravine first. The rushing air was technically stinging Spud's face, but he looked as if he was totally unaware of it.

"You okay up there, Spud?" asked Rock, who was underneath him.

"Oh, yeah, man," said Spud, "Just feel the rush!"

They collided into another cliff and slid down to the bottom of the ravine. Spud just grinned, or he tried to, what with his swollen face.

"I wonder how he's going to act when everything that's happened to him catches up with him," said Rock.

The Police Cadets swung across next, and made a clean landing.

"Whooo!" said MacArthur, "It's great to be in first place!"

The Stepbrothers swung across and kicked the Cadets in the back.

The Twins tried to swing across, but the vine broke and they began to plummet towards a river far below.

The Vegans found another vine and made it across with little difficulty, though they too hit the cliff face upon reaching the other side.

"How could we have missed that?" asked Miles.

"I don't know about you, but I was too mad about the past to pay attention," said Laurie.

"Whatever happened to what I told you before?" insisted Miles. "'What happened in Iceland, stays in Iceland?'"

"Oh yes, sorry," said Laurie.

Meanwhile, the delayed first flight had finally arrived, and the other teams rushed to the first challenge.

Jacques of the Ice Dancers went first. He reached in, and started shrieking girlishly as the bullet ants bit him.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Because our flight was delayed, we had to uppit our performance," said Jacques.

"Like the way I did that at the Olympics!" said Josee.

"Uh, we both did that at the Olympics," insisted Jacques.

Josee just frowned.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The teams farther ahead were ripping through the coconuts, almost literally. MacArthur was trying to karate chop one open with her swollen hand.

"Don't you think this would be a better way to do that?" asked Sanders, who was holding a big hammer.

"I got it, Sanders," insisted MacArthur.

Sanders tried to help, but MacArthur knocked her aside and roared, "I said I got it!"

"Stop that, MacArthur!" said Sanders, running back. "I'm telling you, the hammer will work better than anybody's bare hand, especially a swollen one."

MacArthur sighed. "Fine. Go nuts," she said.

Sanders hit it lightly, and it cracked open, revealing one of the tips.

"I just softened it up for ya," said MacArthur. "You're welcome."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"MacArthur is a bit of a control freak," said Sanders.

"What can I say? I'm a lone wolf," said MacArthur. She started to howl.

"Who has a partner-" started Sanders.

MacArthur kept on howling.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

MacArthur read the tip. "It's an All-In. I said you're welcome!"

Sanders rolled her eyes but said nothing.

Cut to Don wearing a funny-looking Brazilian headpiece and tailpiece.

"In this All-In, one member of each team has to build a headpiece, and the other a tailpiece, traditionally worn by women in the traditional Brazilian parade known as Carneval. Once this local lady approves of both pieces, she will give them their next tip."

"Back at the oven mitt, the other teams are still Botching or Watching," he continued.

Geoff took the tip, but he used both hands instead of one to get it.

"Dude, your hands are so ripped!" said Brody.

"I know, Bro," said Geoff, "If one hand gets too hurt, all I have to do is switch to the other."

Kelly and Taylor were at the vine. Taylor seemed reluctant to ride it.

"Grab the vine and swing with me, honey," said an impatient Kelly. "Do it!"

"Mom, when you yell, it makes your neck waddle," said Taylor, but she did as she was told. They swung across with success that amazed Taylor, specifically, the way Kelly was strong enough to cling to the vine without slipping.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"That's some upper body strength you have, mom," said Taylor.

"Oh, thanks, honey," said Kelly.

"Are you drinking protein shakes, mom? 'Cause if you are, it'll go to your hips," said Taylor.

"You can't be serious, Taylor," said Kelly.

"Ha! Mom, I'm always serious. You know that."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The teams in front were still trying to break open coconuts. Chet and Lorenzo's methods of hitting them with rocks were ineffectual, and the coconuts hit them in the face.

Mickey and Jay finally made it out of the ravine, only to be kicked in the back by the Ice Dancers as they swung across.

"I can smell the gold!" Josee beamed.

Geoff and Brody also made it across fine.

The Twins had apparently hit their heads on a coconut and revealed a tip.

"Wow! Maybe luck is on our side today, after all!" said Jay.

Mickey collapsed.

Kelly and Taylor found their tip, and a moment later, so did Laurie and Miles. Just then, the Rockers climbed out of the ravine. Taylor and Miles gasped in horror at Spud's puffy face. Spud got hit by a falling coconut and fell back down, but Rock immediately found a tip in it.

"Whoa, man!" he exclaimed, "Luck is on our side!" He looked around. "Spud? Hey, Spud, where are ya, man?"

"Rock," shouted Spud blandly from down in the ravine, "Can you come back down here and help me? The cliff looks like it turned into a virtual reality wall."

Rock sighed. "Spoke too soon."

Ennui of the Goths took his tip. "Ouch!" he said emotionlessly.

"Don't be so dramatic," said Crimson in the same drone.

Soon enough, all the teams finally got past the bullet ant challenge. Kitty and Emma looked at the chasm and cringed.

"I don't like the idea of swinging across that, Emma," said Kitty nervously.

"Me neither," said Emma, "But we need to get across somehow."

"There must be another way," said Kitty, leaning against an old, rotting tree. Suddenly, the tree split at the bottom and toppled forward, making a bridge across the ravine.

"Well, what do you know? There is," Kitty remarked.

"We've got to start using intelligence to get past these pitfalls," said Emma, "not dumb luck."

Carrie and Devin, the Best Friends, started to cross behind them. The tree started to crack a little more as they crossed. The Sisters made it across, and so did the Best Friends. The Daters fell under the tree as it broke.

The Goths swung across.

Jacques and Josee hammered coconuts.

Teams began to reach the costume challenge and put the costumes together.

Finally, all the teams were through the ravine, too, and soon enough, the coconut challenge.

MacArthur complained when the local lady wouldn't accept her half-made costume, and stomped on her piece after the woman just stared at her obstinately.

"Spud," asked Rock, "You sure you can do this? I mean, with your impaired vision and all…"

"Don't worry, Rock," said Spud, "I got this in the bag."

Spud's half of the costume, the headpiece, looked as if it was being made to look as wild as wild, punk hair.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Spud isn't very good at making things," said Rock, "Especially when he can't see straight. This might delay us a little. I have to do most of the work myself now. I only hope that his delayed pain reaction can hold out for a little while longer, 'cause if it doesn't, he's not only gonna go 'Aaaahhhh! Ooooohhh!' but he might try to run away as far and fast from me as possible!"

"What's that, man?" asked Spud, whose back was to the camera, "I'd never run away from you."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Laurie and Miles examined their material.

"This is lovely!" said Laurie. "I'd love to wear one of these myself at the next Carneval!"

"Yeah, me too," said Miles.

"Oh, be careful about that little bug," said Laurie, noticing a colorful insect perched on a part of their material.

"Ooohh, it's pretty!" said Miles. She caught it and released it in another direction.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I like the way these new challenges are distracting us from the problems we had in the previous leg," said Miles.

"Uh, Miles," said Laurie, "Don't you think bringing up the past only reminds us of our past errors? I mean, whatever happened to 'What happened in Iceland, stays in Iceland?'"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Laurie," said Miles, clasping her hands together, "Please don't be mad at me!"

Laurie facepalmed. "Miles is very apologetic when she tells me something I don't want to hear. I appreciate the feeling, but it can get so repetitive. Miles, fine! I forgive you. But if you keep being apologetic all throughout the Race, I'm going to have to find a human muzzle. So do us both a favor and think before you speak, okay?"

Miles looked remorseful. "All right, all right, I'm so sor-" Laurie glared at her. "I'm sorry I said I was sorry, before those other two sorrys," she rambled very quickly.

Laurie sighed.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"I don't want an alliance with the Twins," said Emma, "It'll just get in the way of our game."

"But I do," said Kitty.

"Alliances always turn into betrayals," argued Emma.

"We'd never do that," said Jay, "We'd remain loyal to you, all the way to when the alliance wasn't necessary any more."

"Oh fine," said Emma, "A temporary mini-alliance, but that's it."

"That's great, Emma," said Jay. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," said Kitty.

"You can take your hands off your face now, Mickey," said Emma.

"Uh, I kinda glued them there," Mickey replied.

Jay tried to pull Mickey's hands off of his face. Emma and Kitty didn't like the looks of the consequences.

The Daters, bringing up the rear for the moment, climbed out of the ravine.

"I told you, the tree looked weak, so let's use the vine, but did you listen?" Stephanie demanded. "Nooo! Oh, coconuts!"

She and Ryan ran over to the said coconuts.

Owen had unintentionally swallowed a coconut. He felt very weird with a coconut shell in his gut.

"Great, Owen," said Noah, "Now all we have to do is wait about eight hours before learning if there's a tip in there." He tapped Owen's stomach.

"I think you hit the coconut," Owen said.

Don narrated again: "While some teams are still trying to find their tips in the coconuts, Geoff and Brody have just become the first team to complete their costume to the local's satisfaction, and can continue on the Race."

Brody high-fived Geoff, on the wrong hand. "Go to the Chill Zone."

"Copacabana Beach is the location of this leg's Chill Zone," continued Don. "Teams must get here by using hang gliders provided to soar like eagles, or plummet like turkeys, to the shores here to be checked in. The last team to check in may be headed home."

Geoff and Brody got in their hang glider, but didn't cling to it hard enough, and plummeted to the seawater below.

The local woman still didn't approve of MacArthur's costume, because the tailpiece looked more like pants than a skirt.

Most of the teams remaining at the coconuts found their tips and moved on. Lorenzo broke a coconut over Chet's head and laughed when it revealed a tip. "You are good for something!" he mocked.

Josee and Jacques were having the most difficulty. They couldn't find a tip anywhere. They did find one, but Owen and Noah caught it. Another one was taken by Dwayne and Junior.

"Those are ours!" yelled Josee. "Bring them back here!"

She tackled Dwayne, who gave his tip to Junior and told him to run. Jacques chased Junior. Josee threw another coconut at Junior, but it missed and hit Jacques instead. But then the coconut opened and revealed one more tip.

"Finally!" said Josee, grabbing it greedily. Jacques moaned in pain.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Tell me again what happened!" he asked Josee.

"I told you," said Josee, "A monkey came down from a tree, grabbed a coconut, and threw it at you."

Jacques doubted that.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Teams are frantically trying to finish their costumes," said Don.

Josee and Jacques arrived there last.

Laurie displayed her costume proudly to the lady, who smiled and gave them their next tip. Chet and Lorenzo, who were stuck to each other, wrestled for the tip. Josee and Jacques finished their costumes amazingly quickly, and got their tip next.

"How did they finish so quickly?" Jen wondered, as she was applying glue to Tom's pants.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"We made our costumes ahead of time, unlike everyone else," said a smiling Josee.

"You learn how to prepare for such things when you're an ice dancer," said Jacques.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Crimson scared the lady with her black costume, and she quickly gave the Goths their tip.

Kelly cheered with her arms spread out when her costume was approved, but Taylor said, "Mom! Tits!"

Kelly covered her chest.

"You ready to jump, Laurie?" said Miles as they ran with their hang glider.

"Of course I'm ready," said Laurie, "I'm not about to nearly lose again!"

"Okay, then, let's go!" Miles replied.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"It's a lucky thing Laurie's hand didn't impair her too much," said Miles. "I'd hate to think of the trouble the Rockers must be having. Spud's face looks like raw meat."

"Mmmmm!" said Laurie with a dreamy smile.

"Excuse me, did you just make a yummy sound?" Miles said suspiciously.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The Surfer Dudes were still swimming to shore, so the Vegans managed to land safely and rush to the Chill Zone. They ran to the Carpet of Completion and met Don there.

"How did we do, Don?" asked Laurie. "Did we make it?"

"Please say yes!" begged Miles.

"Not really," said Don slyly.

"WHAT?" they hollered.

"Ha, ha! I was kidding!" said Don. "You just made Ridonculous Race history, going from worst, well, second worst, to first, in one leg! And in its first season, too! You're team number ONE!"

"Yes! Yes!" said the Vegans, hugging each other, "We won a round!"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"It may not be the finish line," said Miles, "but we're ready to show the other teams again and again that nice guys don't always finish last in reality TV!"

"Mmmm, yeah," said Laurie, "We're going to eat those other teams alive if we have to!" She licked her lips.

"Uh, I hope you didn't mean that literally," said Miles.

"Oh, yeah-I mean, NO! No! I didn't," said Laurie hastily.

Miles gave her a wondering look.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The ice Dancers leaped onto the Carpet.

"Ice Dancers, you're team number two," said Don. "You get the silver medal."

"WHAAATT!" screamed Jacques and Josee. "SILVER!?" They began to throw a massive tantrum, especially Josee.

"I hate silver!" said Jacques.

"I hate goody two-shoes getting what we deserve!" screamed Josee, glaring at the Vegans. The hippies backed away uneasily.

More teams started to make it to the hang gliders and took off for the Chill Zone. Chet and Lorenzo were still stuck to each other, and had a sarcastic argument about their predicament that caused them to plummet.

The Goths landed right on top of the Carpet. "Whoa! Easy there!" said a freaked out Don. "You're in third place!"

More teams started to arrive.

Kelly and Taylor: "Fourth place!"

Geoff and Brody: "Fifth place!"

Chet and Lorenzo: "Sixth place!"

Dwayne and Junior: "Seventh place!"

MacArthur's costume finally satisfied the local lady, and she and MacArthur got their next tip. Tom and Jen were finishing up, too.

The Sisters and the Twins were hang gliding together. The Twins said they had the Sisters' backs, but after they took off, the Twins were once again clumsy, ramming their glider into Emma and Kitty's. They fell down at fast speed and landed on the Carpet of Completion.

"Well, that's one ride I'll never want to try myself," said Don. "Sisters, eighth place!"

"Oh good," said Jay, "So we get ninth place?"

"No, you get a thirty minute penalty," said Don. "You see, Mickey's clumsiness at the bullet ant mitt caused Spud of the Rockers team to become handicapped, and this made the Rockers unable to perform to the best of their ability. It was beyond their control."

"But-but our accident wasn't our fault, either!" protested Mickey. "We didn't mean to do it."

"Sorry," said Don, "But after causing another clumsy near-tragedy with the Sisters you were allied with, you're becoming a liability to yourselves and the other teams. But don't worry, not all the other teams have arrived yet. You may still get lucky."

"Oh, please, please, let another team fall way behind," groaned Jay, "We don't care which, just anybody!"

He and Mickey clung to each other.

"Looks like our alliance ended before it even started," said a disappointed Kitty.

"I told you alliances cause bad things to happen on reality TV," chided Emma.

"And I still don't believe you," replied Kitty.

"No, you never agree with me on anything," said Emma. "And I wish you would!"

"Anyway," said Don, "Let's watch as the other teams start to arrive."

Tom and Jen: "Ninth!"

Owen and Noah: They made a crash landing. "Tenth!"

Stephanie and Ryan: "Eleventh!"

Carrie and Devin: "Twelfth!"

MacArthur and Sanders: "Thirteenth!"

The Twins looked more nervous than ever.

Rock and Spud landed on the shore. Rock glanced at his watch for no particular reason, and suddenly realized something.

"Uh oh, I was afraid this might happen before the end of the leg!" he said. "It's almost time for Spud's delayed pain reaction to run out!"

Spud suddenly started to act like he was feeling something on his face. He put his hands there and felt the swollen skin. And finally…

"AAAAHHHHH!" he screamed.

"Yup! I think he feels the bug bites now!" said Rock.

Spud turned around and plunged his face under the seawater, trying to cool his face. The salt in the water only served to make the pain worse, however, and he went crazy with pain.

"Spud! Ignore the pain for now! We need to get to the Chill Zone!" said Rock.

Spud turned to the Chill Zone and began running, still screaming. Rock clung to his back to keep up with him.

Jay and Mickey's penalty was almost up, but Rock and Spud were closing in. It became a tense moment for both teams. Finally, as the Rockers were almost there, Don said, "Penalty is up!" The Twins and the Rockers dove for the Carpet of Completion, and…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Rock and Spud landed on top of the Carpet just before Jay and Mickey could both step on it.

"Rockers," said Don, "You just barely stayed in the race, again! You're in fourteenth place!"

"Woo hoo!" yelled Rock. "We won! We won!"

Spud ran off screaming again. Rock chased after him, begging him to get control of himself.

"Not really a victory, do you think?" Don asked the camera. Then he turned to the Twins. "Jay, Mickey, I'm sorry. You've done a surprisingly good job of getting through adversity on this race, and gotten through several rounds, but I'm afraid your clumsiness has cost you the Race. You're out."

"Aww," said Mickey, "I can't believe it."

"Well, at least it was fun while it lasted," said Jay, trying to sound cheerful.

"Well, all I can say is, good luck with your future, Adversity Twins," said Don. "Maybe, just maybe, you can do it."

"We'll try," said Mickey.

 _Cut to footage of Jay and Mickey racing throughout the world._

 _"Well, we lost," said Jay, "And we didn't exactly make a lot of friends along the way."_

 _"Yeah, sometimes I feel like the world as a whole hates us," said Mickey. "But at least we stood up to our fears. That should count for something."_

 _"Yeah, I agree," said Jay, "Everybody back home thought we'd be the first to go."_

 _"But we showed 'em," said Mickey. "And I think that now we can-A SPIDER!"_

 _The Adversity Twins tried to run away, but bumped into each other and fell on the ground._

 _"With the weakest team out of the race and the most selfless team pulling back from the brink of loss," said Don, "I imagine the good and the bad are really going to clash like flaming swords. How tense will it be? Find out next time on… The Ridonculous Race!"_

 **1st place: Laurie & Miles  
** **2nd place: Josee & Jacques  
** **3rd place: Crimson & Ennui  
** **4th place: Kelly & Taylor  
** **5th place: Geoff & Brody  
** **6th place: Chet & Lorenzo  
** **7th place: Dwayne & Junior  
** **8th place: Emma & Kitty  
** **9th place: Tom & Jen  
** **10th place: Noah & Owen  
** **11th place: Stephanie & Ryan  
** **12th place: Carrie & Devin  
** **13th place: Sanders & MacArthur  
** **14th place: Rock & Spud** **  
**

 **ELIMINATED:**

 **15th: Jay & Mickey  
** **16th: Mary & Ellody  
** **17th: Gerry & Pete  
** **18th: Leonard & Tammy**

* * *

 **A/N: Yeah, I eliminated the Adversity Twins first in this story. As amusing as they are, I think they're not very promising when it comes to drama or relationships, and I can't imagine what they were doing on the Race in the first place. Long story short, I think they made it farther in canon than they logically should have. And yes, the earlier legs pretty much went according to canon. The LARPers, the Tennis Rivals, and the Geniuses were all eliminated in their canon legs.**

 **How will the Race go, now that the Vegans have survived their canon elimination and are coming on strong? Read and review, favorite and follow, and wait for the next chapter!**


	3. A Tisket, A Tasket, I'll Blow A Casket

**Episode 7: A Tisket, A Tasket, I'm Gonna Blow A Casket**

 _Last time, on The Ridonculous Race…_

 _"Some teams had more fun than udders! The ants came marching in one by one, and the pressure was building on the Daters. Laurie and Miles managed to pull back from their tragedy in Iceland and landed themselves in first place for the first time, greatly outraging our gold-worshiping Ice Dancers, who came in second and won silver. Spud had a rough day after his face got bitten by the bug, and the Sisters and the Twins made an alliance, which crashed almost as soon as it took off! As a result, the Twins had to settle for last, and were booted from the competition."_

 _"Interesting, isn't it, that our vegetable lovers could recover so fast from eating repulsive, but delicious, meat? Even a hint was dropped that Laurie might not mind eating meat so much, after all. Well," (chuckles), "there are definitely more eating challenges ahead for them to get through. Maybe we should have an eating challenge where they have to eat like cannibals! Ha, ha, ha! Oh… just kidding! Mostly! Anyway, let's all prepare for more deliciousness. This is… The Ridonculous Race!"_

 **(The opening titles roll)**

* * *

"Last week's Chill Zone is in Copacabana Beach, and is the starting line for the next leg of the Race," said Don. "Our lucky little Vegans, being the winners of the last leg, will go first, followed closely by the Ice Dancers."

Laurie and Miles took a tip from the first Don Box and ran. A few moments later, so did the Ice Dancers.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I'm so relieved we didn't have to eat meat again in the last leg, not to mention coming in first," said Laurie.

"Yeah," said Miles, "If we win this race, I'm going to start a campaign that will stop these reality TV shows from forcing vegans and vegetarians to eat ghastly meat."

"I don't suppose it'll force people who do eat meat to eat vegetables, though, will it?" asked Laurie.

"Of course not," said Miles, "Meat eaters and vegans should have the same equal privileges."

"Whew! That's good to hear," said Laurie.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"We won gold once so far, but then we won silver," said Josee, "But in the future, we'll show those other teams that we deserve gold every leg of the Race."

"We'll run so fast our camera crews can't keep up," said Jacques.

"And then, we'll let them catch up," said Josee, "Because every one of our fans should see what kind of winners we rally are!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The teams read their tips. Miles read, "Catch the next flight to… Dracula's castle in Transylvania?"

"Traaanslvaaana!" said Don, trying to say it through fake fanged teeth. He spat them out and said the name properly. "Transylvania! Home to majestic mountains, old, Saxon architecture, and the birthplace of the heebie jeebies! Teams must travel to this castle to receive their next travel tip."

Still pictures of Transylvania were shown, including a picture of glowing eyes in a forest when Don said, "Heebie jeebies."

"This shuttle bus will take you to the airport," Don told the Vegans and the Ice Dancers.

The Vegans and Dancers were initially enthusiastic about being the first ones on the bus, until all the other teams piled into it shortly afterward, too.

"What is this strange feeling?" Crimson asked Ennui.

"I fear that it is… happiness," replied Ennui.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Transylvania… I can't believe it…" said Ennui flatly.

"Awesome…" said Crimson, not changing her neutral expression.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Looks like everyone's caught up," said a disappointed Miles.

"They'd better not think they can just take advantage of us," said Laurie with a formidable frown.

"Whoa," said Miles, "Was that… aggression I just saw?"

"No," said Laurie, "Just irritation."

The bus was soon on its way. Close-up of Tom and Jen.

"Can I show them all?" asked Tom. "I'm so excited."

"Go ahead!" said Jen.

Tom put on a fez hat.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I bought this fez from a local here in Brazil," Tom explained. "He's also a distributor. So I ordered 4,000 more to be shipped home. I'll make sure the fez becomes the thing in fashion."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Jen, put yours on, too," said Tom. "We should match."

Jen looked sheepish. "Um, maybe later," she replied.

At the airport, the teams got in line for the first flight. Stephanie and Ryan were bringing up the rear.

"There are only two flights to Transylvania, and I am not getting stuck on the second one," said Stephanie.

"So, uh, what do you want me to do about it?" asked Ryan.

"Simple," said Stephanie, "Pick me up and throw me to the front."

"I can't do that," protested Ryan, "That doesn't sound right in a public-"

"Pick me up!" yelled Stephanie.

"Okay, then," said Ryan.

The Police Cadets and the Vegans were at the front, and noticed Stephanie flying towards them just in time.

"Duck!" shouted Laurie. They did. Stephanie's body hit the travel agent upon landing.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Boy, talk about competitive," said Miles. "Where does that girl get her demeanor, anyway?"

"I don't trust her," said Laurie. "Maybe we should look for a way to ensure that she doesn't make it very far."

"How?" asked Miles.

"Well, I don't think we can do it by ourselves," replied Laurie, "So I think maybe we should form an alliance with another team. One that shares our competitive edge, and also likes to do things for people, like we do."

"But whom?" asked Miles.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Tom and Jen were standing right behind the Vegans. Tom still wore his fez, and was eyeing the Rasta hat on Laurie's head.

"Uh, excuse me," he asked, "You think that hat is a little out of date? I mean, most people in Canada don't dress like hippies any more. Here, try one of my fez hats." He offered the said hat to Laurie.

Laurie frowned at him. "There's nothing wrong with my Rasta," she said quietly, "So what if I like wearing things that are out of date with fashion? My Rasta defines who I am."

"And so does my bandana," said Miles, looking at the bloggers suspiciously.

Jen blanched. "We didn't mean anything by it! We just thought maybe you'd like to get with the times a little more. I imagine a lot of people look at you funny when you walk down the street."

"All right then," said Miles, "Maybe we are a little funny looking. But I could say you look pretty tacky, too, especially with that ridiculous fez on your head."

"Yes," said Laurie, "And where did you get these blue outfits? Frederick's of Hollywood?"

Jen glared. "We are NOT prostitutes, girl!"

"Easy, easy," begged Tom, "Why don't we just let it go like that? There's no need to fight while on a big race. Let's call it a truce for now, and we'll discuss this later, when we have more time to do so?"

He offered his hand to Laurie. She reluctantly took it. Miles did the same with Jen.

"Fine, then," said Laurie. "But at the least, I don't want to hear you two mocking our devotion to veganism. That's something sacred."

"Oh no, we won't," said Jen hastily. Tom nodded.

"All right then," said Miles.

"Uh, veggies, I think it's your turn to get tickets now," said Emma from behind the Bloggers.

"Oh, right," said Miles.

"The first seven teams are on the first flight to Transylvania," narrated Don.

"We've been doing pretty well in this race so far," said Sanders, "but on the last couple of legs, we came in eleventh, and thirteenth."

"But now we're on the first flight, and that means we're back in kickin' butt mode!" exclaimed MacArthur, punching and kicking in the air, almost hitting Sanders in the head.

"The other teams are on the second flight, and have a little while to wait before they get going," continued Don.

Rock said to Spud, "If we're gonna get farther this time than we have the past couple times, we've gotta kick it into overdrive!"

"What can I do to help?" asked Spud.

"You can try harder at winning challenges," offered Rock, "Can you do that, man?"

"Yeeaaahhh," said Spud, grinning.

"All riigghhttt!" exclaimed Rock, and they air guitared again. "Uh, wait, dude. Are you just telling me what I wanna hear?"

"Yeeaaahhh," droned Spud, still grinning.

"Flight number two is now taking off, as flight number one lands in Romania," said Don.

The teams got off the plane and outside the airport. As they stood out in the open, they could see what was evidently Dracula's castle off in the distance. As if to enhance the tense mood, it started raining, multiple lightning bolts struck nearby, and thunder boomed. All the teams were terrified.

Well, almost all.

The Goths looked at the castle with well-hidden longing.

"Okay," said Crimson, "Dracula was the first Goth ever. To be in the presence of his home is like… oh… I… just…"

"Hey, that was close," said Ennui, putting his hand on her shoulder, "You almost got color in your face."

A wolf howled in the distance. Werewolf, anyone?

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Looking at that castle gave me goose bumps, dude," said Geoff.

"With no taxis in the area, I almost took a goose dump!" said Brody.

They laughed, and fist bumped each other.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Okay," said Junior, "So, it was pretty scary. But then, I've seen a lot of scarier things happen in my life."

"Really, Junior?" asked Dwayne. "Like what? I hope you didn't pee in your lucky undies when you saw that dreadful castle."

Junior's eyes widened, then squinted. "DAD! Don't say that!"

"Oh, sorry, Junior," Dwayne apologized, "But I'm pretty sure he still did it." He chuckled.

"I DID NOT!" Junior hung his head in embarrassment and disgust.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The teams ran up the hill to the castle. The Goths were in the front. The Ice Dancers, the Vegans, and the Police Cadets were rivaling each other for second. The other teams were a-ways behind them.

"Break a leg!" said MacArthur sarcastically, as she passed the smiling Ice Dancers.

As Sanders tried to pass them too, Josee said, "Oops, sorry, I didn't see you!" and shoved Sanders back the way she came. She rammed into the Vegans, and then rammed again into Father and Son.

"Officer down!" yelled MacArthur. She quickly tackled the Dancers and started to wrestle them in the mud.

Laurie and Miles tried to pass them, but Josee tripped them, on purpose. "You're not passing us again, veg for brains!"

"Oh, really?" said Laurie, who joined the wrestling match with gusto.

Miles and Sanders just watched with alarm.

"Can't we all just get along?" Miles complained.

"NEVER!" MacArthur, Josee, and Laurie shouted, all at once.

The Daters got to the Don Box first, or so they thought.

"Yes!" yelled Stephanie, "We got here first!"

"Wait a minute," said Ryan, "How is that possible? The Goths were here ahead of us."

Indeed they were. Inside the castle, they were showing off a framed portrait of Dracula.

"Doesn't Vlad look striking?" remarked Ennui.

"He reminds me a little of-" said Crimson.

"Stop. You're making me blush," said Ennui.

The whole time they showed the usual amount of emotion.

None.

Stephanie took the tip. "It's an All-In," she announced. "Oh, yeah, baby! I love it when we get to do things together!"

Don narrated, "In this All-In challenge, teams must enter Dracula's castle and find an empty coffin somewhere within. Then, the team member who took the tip from the Don Box must drag the coffin to an open grave in the nearby graveyard with their partner inside it. After the task is completed, a local gravedigger will hand them their next tip. The teammate who is inside the coffin may not get out or help in any way, until the task is complete."

"Whoa, this sounds rough, son," said Dwayne.

On the hill, Laurie, MacArthur, and Josee were still wrestling in the mud. Jacques was pinned under them. Sanders and Miles watched in exasperation.

"Stop it!" growled Josee, "You're making us fall behind!"

"You did the same thing to us!" yelled Laurie.

"Let go!" said MacArthur.

"You first!" shouted Josee.

"Ain't gonna happen," snarled MacArthur.

"I hope the goddess of karma punishes all of you justly!" said Laurie with a fire in her eyes.

"(Sigh) I feel like Rodney King right now," said Miles.

"I think you already implied that with your 'getting along' remark," said Sanders dryly.

"Oh yeah," said Miles. "I forgot."

"While this is going on," said Don, "the second flight has finally arrived, and the other teams are running to catch up."

The Fashion Bloggers somehow managed to take the front, in spite of Tom being afraid of losing his hat. The others were close behind.

"Last one to the top eats mucus!" mocked Lorenzo, knocking over Chet. Chet chased him, needless to say.

The Bloggers soon reached the feuding teams in the mud. "Uh, what's going on here?" asked clueless Jen.

"You've gotta do something, guys," begged Miles, "They've been at this for like, a half hour or so, and they're still not letting up!"

"Why don't you do something?" asked Tom.

"I'm too weak as a physical fighter," said Miles, "And I hate fighting."

"And I have too many principles as an upright cadet to get involved in a brawl like this," said Sanders.

"Oh yeah," said MacArthur, "You're really upright!"

"DO SOMETHING!" implored Miles.

Tom shrugged, and then he stepped forward and put his fez over MacArthur's face to blind her. Then Jen borrowed Laurie's Rasta and stuffed Josee's head into it and hit her head, rendering her incapacitated briefly. Finally, they pulled the combatants apart.

"Uh, thanks," said Laurie, "I guess we owe you one. May I have my Rasta back please?"

"Oh, sure," said Jen, giving it back. "How about you pay us back by considering an alliance with us, like before?"

Laurie did some quick thinking. "I'll think about it while we continue the leg. If an opportunity presents itself, we'll make an alliance, and if we both stay in the race during this leg."

"Great!" said Tom and Jen.

"Uh, guys, shouldn't we be going now?" asked Miles.

They looked up the hill. The Cadets were already resuming their run up the hill, and Jacques was trying to get Josee to wake up. Plus, the other teams were closing in behind them.

"LET'S GO!" yelled Laurie, and both teams continued on their way.

Josee woke up just then, and saw what had happened.

"NO FAIR! You're not getting away with this, you lousy, fez hatted, veg for brains, copping, goody two shoes!"

"Yeah, what she said!" shouted Jacques.

Soon, they got to the top, and each collected their next tip. Next to arrive after them were the Stepbrothers.

"Ha!" said Lorenzo, "Looks like I made it here first! Let's get some mucus!"

"Oh no, you don't," said Chet, knocking him over and taking the tip from the Don Box.

"Whoever took the tip must-WHAT?!" said Chet.

Lorenzo laughed.

To Dwayne's dismay, Junior was the one who would drag their coffin, while he had to go inside it.

"Now remember," said Junior, "Don't come out for any reason until we get to the grave, or we'll be penalized."

But it was Junior's turn to be dismayed when he realized that he could barely push the coffin. It fell on top of him.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I love this father/son bonding time with Junior," said Dwayne, with a grin. "Part of making him grow up is encouraging him to think for himself, so I don't have any problems if he wants to do some things differently."

"So, uh, can I ignore curfew then?" Junior asked hopefully.

"Oh, no, no, you can't do that, son," said Dwayne.

"How about drive your car?" suggested Junior.

"You better not touch my-"

"Skip high school?"

"No way-"

"Get a tattoo?"

"You're grounded, boy!"

Junior looked hopeless.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Will any of these teams make it out alive?" inquired Don.

Scenes were shown of teams falling into various traps and scares.

"Probably not," said smiling Don. "But let's watch to be sure, when we come back to… The Ridonculous Race!"

In the graveyard, several teams were struggling to get their occupied coffins to their graves. Junior was still having immense difficulty. Stephanie looked like she was trying to match up to her partner's supposed physical strength.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I'm really trying to keep up with the muscle of my super hubby," she said, hugging Ryan.

"I don't know how many of you at home can see it, but I'm 75% upper body," said Ryan.

They made out.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Josee's method of dragging the coffin was outrageous, at least in Jacques' opinion. She was flipping it over, vertically, to go as fast as possible, and to make sure she didn't have to waste time literally dragging it. Jacques kept crying and groaning from the inside, and complaining about Josee's method.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I know it's a race and all," said Jacques, "But the way Josee was moving the coffin, I was ending up like, covered in bruises!"

"You mean like, when you're ice dancing and your partner drops you on your head on the ice on the most important day of your life with thousands of people watching?" asked Josee with a dangerously sarcastic smile. "THOSE KIND OF COVERED IN BRUISES?"

Jacques looked nervous.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Inside the castle, Ennui and Crimson were looking at their coffin reverently.

"Vintage hexagon oakwood with Corinthian leather interior," breathed Ennui. "Nice."

Crimson stepped in. "Take me to the gravedigger," she said with emotionless breathlessness.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Modern coffins are so inferior to ancient ones," said Ennui.

"When I die, I want to be buried in one that was made during the Plague," said Crimson.

"Those were the days," said Ennui.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Miles was dragging the Vegans' coffin with Laurie inside it.

"Could you possibly make the ride any rougher?" she asked from inside.

"I'm trying my best," said Miles, struggling. "Ugh, I know we eat only vegetables and fruit, but how many do you eat, anyway? You're a lot heavier than I thought!"

"Miles, you know I'm as thin as you are," retorted Laurie, "We weigh very close to the same weight. Now stop asking me about my eating habits and get this challenge done!"

"Picky, picky," muttered Miles, "I hope Laurie's behavior on this Race isn't her true personality hidden under a serene façade."

Josee was still flipping her coffin to the graveyard, until she finally reached it. To her disgust, Chet and Lorenzo were already there.

"Weren't you two on the second flight?" she demanded, pushing the coffin into the grave.

"So what if we were, beautiful?" mocked Chet.

Josee glowered.

Jacques emerged from the grave and was immediately spooked by a pale, gray-skinned old man in ugly, tattered clothing, carrying a machete and what must have been a tip on its point.

"Aaaahhh! Is that the gravedigger?" Jacques hollered.

"Well, he isn't the ice cream man, that's for sure," said Lorenzo.

"There's ice cream?" Owen exclaimed, just as Noah pushed his coffin into the grave.

The intimidating old man pushed the point of his machete at the cowering Stepbrothers.

"Oh, yeah, thanks, dude," said Lorenzo, taking the tip and reading it. "Ride on horseback to the Romanian Gymnastics Training Center and find the Don Box. Horseback?"

Some scary looking horses neighed from nearby.

"Awesome! We're in first place!" said Lorenzo.

"Not for long if you keep talkin' about it," said Chet.

"Hey! Don't talk to me that way!" yelled Lorenzo, shoving him.

Chet tackled him.

"Those two really need to remain in a coffin, side by side," wisecracked Jacques.

"Never mind those bozos," said Josee, yanking him along, "We've got to outrun them, now!"

Junior was almost finished bringing his coffin to the grave. His father from inside advised him to put him in nice and easy, but Junior could only flip it into the grave, upside down.

"Are you sure there's enough room for you and your big brain in that coffin?" inquired Tom as Jen entered another coffin.

"Of course there is," said Jen, "And it'll be nice to be carried by you for a change."

Tom closed the coffin lid and said, "The only change is that you're in a coffin."

Crimson from within suddenly said, "Stop!"

Ennui did, and she rose out from inside it. "I know it's against the rules, but this might be your only chance to have the same experience as me. Well, the only one you'll remember."

A few moments later, Ennui took Crimson's place in the coffin, and they resumed their journey to the graveyard.

Ryan cringed for a moment when the gravedigger gave him the next tip.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"It took us a little while to find the graveyard," Ryan explained.

"Just admit it!" shouted Stephanie, "It took ME a little while to find the graveyard!"

"Oh, all right," said Ryan, "I'm sorry babe."

"That's so sweet of you," said Stephanie, hugging him.

"We make a great team," Ryan finished explaining.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

In another part of the graveyard, Geoff and Brody and Emma and Kitty had just finished bringing their coffins to the graves.

"Oh, dude," said Brody, "The way you snuck up on us was epic. Epic!"

"You guys can take the next tip," said Emma, taking the tip. Then she said to Kitty, "Next time, if there is a next time, which I hope there isn't, let's try to convince those guys to give us a less haunting signal than howling like dogs."

"Oh, I don't know, Emma," said Kitty, "Their howls were kind of cute to me." She grinned coyly and took a selfie with the gravedigger.

Miles finally made it to her grave with her coffin and dropped it inside.

"Hey, take it easy," said Laurie, climbing out, "My Rasta isn't a helmet, you know."

"Sorry, Laurie," said Miles, "I just couldn't help it."

"Ugh, there you go again with being so apologetic," said Laurie. "Just put it in the past and let's go."

"Yes, your ladyship," said Miles, feeling like she was competing with the "director of everything in life."

Devin was having a pretty easy time carrying Carrie in their coffin. Sanders, in contrast, could barely push MacArthur along in theirs.

"Come on! Use your glutes, Sanders!" MacArthur said.

"I-am-using-my glutes!" said Sanders with heavy sarcasm.

The Stepbrothers were getting close to the training stadium, only to find Josee and Jacques, complete with plastic smiles, passing them by, on a horse with a matching plastic smile. At the stadium, they were soon delighted to find out what they were going to do.

"It's a Botch-or-Watch," read Jacques. "Gymnastics!"

"Gymnastics," explained Don, "'Nastics that take place in a gym! Whoever didn't face the bullet ants in Brazil must do two athletic feats here, in this gym: First, walk a balance beam and perform a split jump at the center. High school football team!" he boasted.

Somebody hit him in the groin with a football. He recoiled.

"Second, complete a flip over this vaulting horse…"

The football hit him again.

"And then, get a thumbs up from this happy judge…"

"I hate everything!" said the judge with a glare.

"…and it's a foot race to the Carpet of Completion at the next Chill Zone, down that road. Last team to arrive could be headed home."

"Do you have any ice?" he asked the judge in a high voice.

The judge just stared at him balefully.

Josee arrived first, and performed perfectly and with grace on the balance beam. Then, she did a perfect flip over the vaulting horse. The judge gave her the thumbs up.

"First place!" she and Jacques exclaimed as they ran on to the Chill Zone.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"We're very good at gymnastics, because it's a lot like ice dancing," said Josee, "Except in ice dancing, we wear knives on our feet, and there's no soft cushion to land on, should you fall, just a thick layer on hard, solid ice!" She grimaced and smiled at Jacques at the same time.

"Ugh! I said I was sorry!" protested Jacques. "Really, Josee, when are you going to let that go?"

"When we win the gold at the end of this race, of course!" said Josee aggressively.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"But the race for 'not last' is ongoing," continued Don.

Tom pushed Jen into their grave.

"Oww! I broke three nails!" she complained from within the coffin.

Tom was offered the next tip by the gravedigger. He panicked and fell in after her.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Tom was like taking breaks like, every ten feet," said Jen, "He needs to work out more."

"Or, you could lay off with the complaints about the fez hats more," suggested Tom.

"Why shouldn't I complain about them so much?" demanded Jen. "You'll never make them popular again! Not in Canada, not in America, nowhere!"

"What about the time you tried to make plaid leg-warmers popular?" countered Tom.

They both gasped at each other's statement.

"I'm so over this," said Jen.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"How are we in the bottom four, again?" demanded MacArthur.

Sanders eyed her as if it were her fault.

MacArthur stared cluelessly.

"Yes! We got it, man!" said Spud, after he took the tip from the gravedigger. His face was fully recovered from the bullet ant bites by now, by the way.

"Uh, why are you cheering, dude?" asked Rock. "You should be all, down, you know. We're in the bottom four again."

"At least we're not in the bottom three," said Spud.

At the Chill Zone, the Ice Dancers made it to the Carpet of Completion.

"Ice Dancers, congrats!" said Don, "You're team number-"

"FIRST PLACE!" shouted Josee ecstatically. "Back where we belong! If the world insists on seeing us as bad guys, so be it. The bad guys always finish first on TV!"

Don looked at her quizzically.

Back at the stadium, some more teams had arrived to do the gymnastic feats. Chet did an amazingly fine job at the balance beam. Even his split jump was great. Lorenzo looked both annoyed and jealous.

Big Owen attempted to vault over the horse, but when he landed on the springboard, it failed utterly to give him any boost.

On Kelly's first try at the beam, she walked with good balance, but forgot to do the split jump near the end and stepped off, falling.

Taylor rolled her eyes.

Owen was trying in vain to build up some momentum on the springboard, when Noah, who was watching glumly, noticed Emma taking her turn. She used Owen as her springboard, and flipped many times in the air before coming down.

To Noah's eyes, it was as if she was gliding down, and she seemed to have a beatific smile on her face. Suddenly, Noah found himself staring in delight, as if he had suddenly found a new reason to go on living.

 _Was he in love?_

She landed perfectly, and received the thumbs up. Noah walked over to her in a daze as she started to leave with Kitty.

Without warning, Owen, who had finally managed to "spring himself," landed right on top of him. They got the thumbs up, too.

Emma got in Kitty's face and forced her away from her latest selfie locale on the bleachers, while Noah stumbled off with Owen.

Chet performed as well on the vault as he had on the beam.

"Whoa! He's good, dude!" said smiling Surfer Dude Geoff to Lorenzo.

"Pfffttt! Yeah, because he takes rhythmic gymnastics!" said Lorenzo. "If he had any sense, he would've taken up the ancient art of karate, like me!"

"That's great, dude," said Geoff with enthusiasm, "You both bring different skills to the table. Must be what makes you such a good team!"

"Yeah, right!" said sarcastic Lorenzo, "Like that jerk and I really make a good team. Don't make me laugh!"

"Are you coming, or what?" Chet asked impatiently.

"Fine!" groaned Lorenzo.

At the Chill Zone, the Reality TV Pros had just arrived.

"Second place!" Don announced.

The Sisters ran in next.

"Third place!"

"The race for first place is over, and now it's a race for 'not last,'" said Don.

Crimson did a pretty good job at the gymnastics herself.

Miles wasn't entirely steady on the beam, and it took a little more trial and error.

"I don't understand," said Laurie, "We're both in excellent shape. You should be good at this."

"I can't vouch for you, Laurie," said Miles, "But I think I might not be as strong as I look. I eat right, but I'm not much of an exerciser, at least not when it comes to agility."

"Well, you've got to keep trying, if we're going to stay in the race," said Laurie. "As someone once said, 'If at first you don't succeed-'"

"'Try, try again,' I know," said Miles, laughing a moment to work off some stress. "Hey, we really are knowledgeable about our quotes, aren't we?"

"I don't doubt it," said Laurie, smiling.

Meanwhile, Dwayne was having trouble with his balance, too, considering that on his first try, he didn't wait for Crimson to finish first before starting.

Sanders found it a bit easier.

75% upper body-Ryan felt very awkward on the balance beam as he took his turn. Stephanie gave him an impatient look. He shrugged and attempted the split jump. He landed hard on one foot and fell off, holding his leg and groaning.

"Get up, Ryan!" yelled Stephanie, "If you can."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Ryan, you're doing great," said Stephanie. "But you should be doing greater! Come on! I don't wanna come in last! We're staying in this race!"

Ryan looked a little scared.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Miles looked over at them from the beam. "I don't like to judge, but those two probably shouldn't be dating."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, HIPPIE?!" roared Stephanie.

"Yeah, what'd you say?" snapped Ryan.

"YAAAHHHH!" A startled Miles toppled off the beam.

"You idiots!" snapped Laurie, "You sabotaged Miles' next turn. Now we have to wait again!"

"Well, boo hoo," said Stephanie, "We're not in this to help you win. We're in this to help US win! Isn't that right!?-Honey?" She hugged Ryan.

"Is it me, or does Stephanie have mood swings or somethin'?" muttered Ryan under his breath.

"As long as those two are in the Race, it's going to be a rough road for us," said Miles, "Especially if we keep ending up in the same end of the pack that they are!"

"I know," said Laurie. "Say, Miles, this is risky; it could cost us the Race, but how are you feeling about making an alliance with the Fashion Bloggers when they get here?"

Miles grinned. "I'm game."

Chet and Lorenzo: "Fourth!"

Kelly and Taylor: "Fifth!"

"Go dad, GO!" Junior cheered on his father, as Dwayne nervously inched forward on the balance beam. He performed the split jump well at last, but at the vaulting part, he landed on his head. Thumbs down.

A hysterical Devin landed hard on his back. Thumbs down again.

Miles conquered the beam, but was very awkward at the vaulting horse. More thumbs down.

Rock, in contrast, managed to perform excellently, while Spud ate a hot dog. Thumbs up for the Rockers.

Ryan still couldn't get the hang of the beam.

"It's called a balance beam, NOT A WOBBLE BEAM! BALANCE!" roared Stephanie, hitting Ryan with her head. He landed on the beam, more specifically, on his crotch. He cried.

"Oh, come on!" Stephanie complained.

"That's really using your head, girl," wisecracked Laurie, snacking on some birdseed she just happened to have with her.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" screamed Stephanie. "JUST SHUT UP!"

Miles cringed at Stephanie's rage.

"Sixth place!" said Don to the Goths. "Or would be sixth place if you hadn't broken the rule with the coffin. Ten-minute penalty!"

The Goths didn't seem to mind. "Totally worth it," said Crimson quietly.

Back at the stadium, the Fashion Bloggers had finally made it. Most of the other teams had moved on, but the Daters and the Vegans were still there. Tom did pretty well at the balance beam, but he was flunking the vaulting with disgrace. The judge gave him thumbs down. He still had his fez on, by the way.

Dwayne and Junior: "Sixth!"

MacArthur and Sanders: "Seventh!"

Geoff and Brody: "Eighth!"

Rock and Spud: "Ninth!"

"And Best Friends, Carrie and Devin, tenth!" said Don. "With only three teams still out there, the Goths look nervous." He eyed them from afar. "Or do they?"

Crimson and Ennui still had the same neutral expressions on their white-painted faces.

Miles finally mastered the vaulting horse and did a flip and a foot landing properly. Thumbs up.

"Yes!" she said. "Come on, Laurie, let's go!"

"No, wait!" said Laurie, stopping her.

"But we might lose the race, Laurie!" protested Miles.

"Don't you remember that I said we'd try an alliance with the Bloggers?" Laurie reminded her, "And they're here now. Just be patient. I'm going to go talk to Jen while Tom and Ryan still try to conquer this silly challenge."

Miles looked worried, but she consented to Laurie's wishes.

"Hey, Jen," said Laurie, "How's it going?"

"Not too well," said Jen, "Tom and I have been fighting all day about silly fez hats, and now it looks like we might lose the race. What about you? Why aren't you leaving with Miles? I thought you were finished."

"We are," said Laurie, "But I've thought about it, and maybe our two teams can do each other a few favors in the Race, at least until we get close to the end, or one of us is eliminated. See that overly aggressive girl over there?" She pointed at Stephanie.

Jen looked over. "Yeah, I see her. She looks like one of the most tense girls I've ever seen."

"She's really getting on my nerves, more than any other fellow competitor at the moment, and Miles is terrified of her," explained Laurie. "But maybe, if your team and mine can help each other get to the Chill Zone before they do, we can both stay in the Race and, well, do a few other favors too, whenever necessary."

Jen thought. "Sounds good to me," she said. "We'll do it, then, especially if we finish up before or at the same time those hotheads finish! Shake on it?"

"Sure," said Laurie, shaking hands with the shorter, tanner girl. She gave an OK signal to Miles from across the room. Miles looked partly relieved.

Ryan had finally gotten past the balance beam, and was now trying to vault. Once, he banged his face on the springboard. Next, he landed on his crotch again and fell back on the springboard, which catapulted him back to Stephanie.

"Ryan," said an exasperated Stephanie, "you know what kind of people are good at this? You know what kind of people pass and excel at this sort of thing? Twelve-year-old girls! They win gold medals doing this!"

"I can't do this by myself," Ryan tried to reason with her.

"It's a Botch-or-Watch, Ryan," she said through clenched teeth, "I can't help you! All I can do is watch!"

Tom attempted the vault yet again, but his head hit a light bulb in one of the ceiling lamps and partly electrocuted him, partly frying his fez, too. Another thumbs down.

"At this rate, I don't know how well the alliance is going to work for us," said Laurie, who had returned to Miles.

"The suspense is killing me!" said Miles breathlessly.

"Tom! Tom! Are you okay?" said Jen, running to Tom as he lay on the mat with damaged glasses.

"It shouldn't be me doing this, Jen," he moaned, "I'm no good at gymnastics. You're the one who's good at them. If you had done this, we'd be outta here by now. I just can't do it! I'm so sorry!"

"Tom," said Jen, "you can do anything that you put your mind to. You're so good with fashion and the other things you are good at, so good it's sometimes annoying. But you're also great because of it! You can do this!"

Tom managed to smile a small smile. "You're right, Jen. I can do this, and I will! I won't let you down again!"

"Go for it, Tom!" said Jen.

"Hey, don't let us down, either," shouted Miles.

Laurie nudged her. "Miles! He has enough things to worry about. Don't remind him of more."

"Sorry," said Miles.

Jen put on her own fez hat to give Tom moral support.

"You do NOT get to quit on me!" Stephanie growled at Ryan. "You get in there and start thinking like a twelve-year-old girl!"

"All right, all right!" said Ryan in exasperation. "Whatever that means."

The Goths were still waiting out their penalty at the Chill Zone.

"It we get booted," said Crimson, "this will still be the greatest night of my life."

"Yeah," said Ennui, "Being in that coffin, I've never felt so alive."

They each cracked a smile. A sincere one.

At the stadium, Jen was giving Tom encouragement, Stephanie was still chastising Ryan, and the Vegans were watching with increasing intensity, waiting to see who would prevail first.

Tom gave the vaulting challenge one last try, and this time, he pulled off a perfect one. He got the thumbs up.

"All right! Let's go, everybody!" shouted Jen as they hightailed it out of there.

"Finally!" said Miles with relief.

A minute or two later, Ryan finally managed to get his own attempt right, and he finally got the last thumbs up.

"About time!" said Stephanie, grabbing Ryan's arm and forcing him to run.

"This is great!" shouted Tom, "We're so going to make it!"

"Maybe not," said Miles, "Look!"

They looked behind.

Stephanie and Ryan were running like mad to catch up to them, and they were making good progress.

Laurie and Miles, determined not to be beaten by a bully and her big, weak teddy bear, ran even faster, and managed to stay ahead of them, but Tom and Jen were losing ground as the Daters started to catch up.

"Why are they so fast?" asked Tom frantically.

"They're as determined to stay in the Race as we are," said Miles.

"But what's making us slower than them?" asked Jen.

"You're running too slow because you're afraid of losing your fez hats," said Laurie, "You've gotta risk ditching them."

"But they're our new fashion statement," protested Tom.

"Yeah," said Jen, "We can't lose them now!"

Stephanie and Ryan were almost running beside the Bloggers now.

"You have to let them go!" said Laurie. "Otherwise you'll lose, and our alliance will die before it even started, and so will your chances of winning the Race! Drop them and run faster!"

"You can always retrieve them after we check in," offered Miles.

"Hey, why didn't I think of that?" said a wondering Tom.

"That's what we need to do," said Jen. "Run like a cheetah, Tom!"

They picked up a burst of speed. The Daters, who were now a little ahead of them, were surprised at how audacious the ridiculous Fashion Bloggers could be in a foot race to the finish. The hats soon blew off the Bloggers' heads and were left behind in the dust and dirt. Soon, the Daters and the Bloggers were running side-by-side, each trying to pull ahead of the other.

At that moment, the Goths' penalty ran out.

"Goths, penalty's over. Eleventh place!" announced Don.

"Woohoo!" said Crimson in a vanilla voice as she and Ennui stepped aside.

Moments later, the Vegans reached the Carpet. "Twelfth!"

"Yes!" they said, high-fiving each other.

The other two teams continued to run, each one trying to outrun the other, until…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Thirteenth place!" Don said to the Fashion Bloggers.

"YES! WE DID IT!" Tom and Jen cheered.

"Whew!" said Miles.

"Thanks for the advice, Laurie," said Tom, "I guess now we owe you one."

"Oh, this isn't about keeping score," said Laurie, "We just think it's the right thing to do, even if it meant us losing the race, which we haven't."

"Not yet," said Jen. "Alliance or no alliance, we're still going to try to beat you in the long run!"

"I look forward to it," replied Laurie.

"Don't forget, guys," said Miles, "I said you can retrieve your fezes after checking in, if you want."

"Oh, I don't know," said Tom, "Maybe we don't need those silly hats so much, after all."

"I wouldn't be too quick to say that, Tom," said Don, who was suddenly wearing a fez of his own. "These things don't look half bad, even on me."

"What do you say to a temporary trade, Vegans?" asked Jen. "We could try out each other's fashion. You can wear our fezes for one round of the race, while I wear Laurie's Rasta and Tom wears Miles' bandana."

Miles smiled at Laurie. "I don't normally let others wear my hat," said Laurie, "because it's personal to me. But in this case I'll make an exception, but just for one round."

"Got it!" They traded hats.

"Hmm, not bad," said Tom, "I feel like a jolly redneck in this bandana."

"Please don't compare my bandana to rednecks," said Miles.

"Oh, sorry," said Tom.

"How do I look with the Rasta on?" asked Jen.

"It's… it's so you," said Laurie.

Jen grinned. "You two don't look too bad yourselves."

"I'll take that as a compliment," said Laurie with a smile.

"Me too," said Miles.

"Ahem! Are you weirdos finished talking about stupid fashion about now?" they heard Stephanie's voice say from behind them.

They turned around. The Daters were standing on the Carpet with their arms crossed.

"Oh, yes, I almost forgot," said Don. "Stephanie, Ryan, I'm sorry. You're the last team to arrive. You're out of the race."

"UUUGGGGHHHH!" growled Stephanie. "This wouldn't have happened if you had taken my advice and thought like a twelve-year-old girl!" she yelled at her "boyfriend."

"I was doing my best, Stephanie!" said Ryan.

"Then, obviously, your best is terrible!" said Stephanie.

"If anyone around here is thinking like a twelve-year-old girl, I think it's you, Stephanie," suggested Miles.

"YOU'RE WRONG!" Stephanie screamed.

"Daters," said Don, "please stop screaming and go home, or else I'll have to call security."

The Daters sulked.

 _Cut to footage of Stephanie and Ryan racing throughout the world._

 _"I should've known we'd lose," said Stephanie. "Maybe I should try to find a new boyfriend. One who's much better at gymnastics than you, Ryan."_

 _"That talk is gettin' really old, really fast," replied Ryan._

 _"Face it, Ryan," said Stephanie, "You're lucky if I do give you another chance. The only reason I'm not breaking up with you now is because everywhere other than the race, you charmed me like a hunk."_

 _"And I intend to keep on doing that, baby," said Ryan._

 _"One thing's for sure," said Stephanie, "I'm not going on this lousy race again."_

 _"Me neither," said Ryan as they started to walk away. Suddenly he noticed something black and ominous approaching them from behind._

 _"Uh, Steph? Should there be that many bats behind us?" he asked._

 _"OH! Don't tell me you're afraid of animals, too," Stephanie said sarcastically._

 _"But Steph…" said Ryan, pointing behind them. Stephanie looked back, too._

 _About a thousand vampire bats were swooping down on them at that very moment. They looked like they had a thirst for blood._

 _"Oh, my god! Run for it, Ryan!" she screamed._

 _They both screamed as they ran._

 **1st place: Josee & Jacques  
** **2nd place: Noah & Owen  
** **3rd place: Emma & Kitty  
** **4th place: Chet & Lorenzo  
** **5th place: Kelly & Taylor  
** **6th place: Dwayne & Junior  
** **7th place: Sanders & MacArthur  
** **8th place: Geoff & Brody  
** **9th place: Rock & Spud  
** **10th place: Carrie & Devin  
** **11th place: Crimson & Ennui  
** **12th place: Laurie & Miles  
** **13th place: Tom & Jen** **  
**

 **ELIMINATED:**

 **14th: Stephanie & Ryan  
** **15th: Jay & Mickey  
** **16th: Ellody & Mary  
** **17th: Gerry & Pete  
** **18th: Leonard & Tammy** **  
**

* * *

 **A/N: I decided to have Ryan and Stephanie leave next, because they are one of the most irritating teams in The Ridonculous Race, and spent so much time in the race, and spent all of it fighting, that by the time they made up and were subsequently eliminated towards the end, they had worn out their welcome drastically. In my opinion, teams like the Vegans, the Geniuses, and the Fashion Bloggers had much more potential than the Daters/Haters team did.**

 **I also feel that the Fashion Bloggers were wasted potential like the Vegans, and I thought it might be amusing to see them interact with my personal favorite team in The Ridonculous Race.**

 **And I apologize to reader Nicky Haugh, in case I still haven't written enough about Dwayne and Junior to satisfy him. I do intend to use them for bigger things, and I hope that their bigger part in the story isn't too far in the future.**

 **For anybody who's reading this, continue to enjoy, and I'll have the Hawaiian Honeyruin chapter up as soon as I can!**


	4. Hawaiian Honeyruin

**Episode 8: Hawaiian Honeyruin**

 _Last time, on The Ridonculous Race…_

 _"Our teams got quipped in Dracula's ripped crypt. I love rhymes! Everybody was scared. Well, almost everybody."_

 _The Goths are shown looking reverently at the castle of Dracula._

 _"The Goths had the time of their lives and cracked their first smiles, but some other teams cracked under the pressure. The Vegans and the Fashion Bloggers formed a trusting alliance, which helped to save the Bloggers from losing due to their 'creative differences,' and Emma might have unknowingly captured Noah's heart. The Ice Dancers managed to win their beloved gold again, and the freaky Daters, who spooked the heck out of Miles, came in last and were forced to lick each other's wounds on the way home, not that I think they'll enjoy it. Who will become too wounded to stay in the Race this week? Time to find out! This is… The Ridonculous Race!"_

 **(The opening titles roll)**

* * *

"This spot was yesterday's Chill Zone, and now it is today's starting point," said Don. "The teams will collect their next tip from this Don Box, starting with yesterday's winners, the Ice Dancers."

Jacques and Josee grabbed their first tip and read it. "Ride a donkey cart to the airport and from there you fly to… Hawaii!" Josee read excitedly. She and Jacques beamed.

"Hawaii: home of beautiful beaches, ukulele music, and flashy shirts that should only be worn ironically," said Don. "Once they get here, they must take the next top from this Don Box."

He's standing next to a Don Box that's wearing a Hawaiian shirt. He eyed it warily.

"Ha, ha, was that you, wardrobe?" he said into his earpiece's microphone.

Five carts in a row were going to the airport. The Sisters, the Ice Dancers, and the Reality TV Pros were in the first cart, and the Dancers were at the reins.

Kitty was playing a game of charades with Owen. At least, she was trying to. She was trying to sign a camera at him.

"Um… Goal post?" suggested Owen, "Rectangle face? A box of candy!"

Kitty face palmed. Emma rolled her eyes.

The Ice Dancers arrogantly tried to ignore the silly game.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Playing is for children," said Josee. "We stay focused on the task at hand."

"I'm so focused, I haven't changed my boxers since the race started!" said Jacques.

"That's not focused," said Josee, holding her nose, "That's gross."

"Well, maybe some people think your lucky rabbit's foot is gross," countered Jacques.

Josee turned her back to him and pulled out her good luck charm, a little, white rabbit's foot. "Don't listen to him, bun bun!" she whispered, kissing it.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Uh, cheesecake?" Owen guessed.

"Click!" Kitty tried to give him a clue.

"Oh, exploding cheesecake!" said Owen excitedly.

"Camera! It's camera!" interrupted Emma exasperatedly. "How could you not figure that out?"

Owen shrugged.

Emma turned to Noah and asked, "How do you put up with this all the time, anyway?"

Noah had a dreamy expression on his face and seemed not to hear her.

"Uh, what's your problem?" Emma asked him. "Hey, Earth to weirdo! Hello!"

To Noah's eyes, it seemed like she was smiling at him like the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen.

"Hello?" she said again. Emma finally gave up and went back to her seat.

"Are you all right, buddy?" inquired Owen.

"My stomach feels funny right now," said Noah with a drooling grin.

"Do you have to make 'boom-boom'?" Owen asked him.

That broke Noah out of his reverie.

The cart ran over some bumps, shaking it up. No damage was done to it, but Josee's rabbit's foot slipped out of her skirt's pocket and fell on the ground. Sadly, she didn't notice that happen.

A little ways behind, the second cart held the Mother and Daughter, the Father and Son, and the Stepbrothers.

"Ew! This donkey reeks!" complained Chet.

"He said the same thing about you!" Lorenzo retorted.

"What? A talking donkey? As if that could happen?" scoffed Chet.

"Of course it can," said Lorenzo, "You're talking right now!"

"Hey! I'm no donkey, butt brain!" shouted Chet.

"Yes, you are!" said Lorenzo.

"No, I'm not!" retaliated Chet. They began to wrestle.

"Boy!" said Junior from the front, "I'd hate to have one of those guys for a brother!"

"Well, who would you want for a brother, Junior?" Dwayne asked him. "Not that you have one, of course!" He chuckled.

"Actually, I think I'd rather have a sister, or even a girlfriend," said Junior, "Like, maybe…"

"Do me a favor," interrupted Taylor, "Don't say my name! I wouldn't dream of having you for a brother. Unless, of course, you gave me lots of trophies."

"Of course not!" said Junior, "You're not nice at all!" Taylor grimaced. "I was thinking more like Carrie, or maybe Miles. They're a couple of the nicest people on this race, and I bet they'd give me lots of moral support while growing up. Besides, they're very pretty, and I already had an attraction to Carrie in France."

"Uh, are you sure you'd want Miles as a pal, Junior?" Dwayne asked him, "After all, Miles' partner and best friend, Laurie, doesn't seem to like me all that much. Besides, you already have good bonding time with your dad, don't you?" He patted Junior's head.

"Doesn't mean I still can't try, dad, don't you think?" Junior replied.

"You are so lucky to be doing this with your dad," remarked Taylor.

"Oh, I'm the lucky one," said Dwayne. "But I'll bet doing this race with your mother is pretty fun, too?"

"Not really," said Taylor with her eyes closed.

"Taylor's more of a daddy's girl," said Kelly uneasily.

"Daddy and I have loads in common," said Taylor proudly, "We both love being successful, and we both hate avocados."

In the third cart were the Police Cadets, the Surfer Dudes, and the Rockers. The donkey was farting. Sanders held her nose at the stench, but the others laughed in amusement, especially MacArthur.

"Hey, donkey! Right back at ya!" the bigger, beefier cadet mocked, turning her rear to the donkey's rear and making a bigger fart.

Sanders glared at her.

"What's the matter, Sanders? I can't back down from a good fart-down! Personal pride!" claimed MacArthur.

In the fourth cart were the Goths, the Best Friends, and the Vegans. The Goths betrayed no emotion.

"Leaving Transylvania is tough," said Ennui. "But leaving Romania to go to a tropical paradise full of sunshine and happiness…"

"Brrrrr!" he and Crimson shuddered.

"What do you think of your fez, Laurie?" Miles inquired.

"Not so bad as I thought at first," said Laurie. "It's slightly weird, but it's a good way to respect another culture."

"I agree," said smiling Miles, "Foreign cultures are amazing, as long as they don't get too wacko."

"Excuse me, wacko?" Laurie asked.

Miles blinked. "Other cultures can be just as weird as our own, you know."

In the last cart, the Fashion Bloggers rode alone.

"How's the Rasta, Jen?" asked Tom.

"It itches a little," admitted Jen, "But I feel so '60s right now. How's the bandana?"

"It makes me feel like I'm a cowboy," said Tom. "I can't say so to our new friends, but it clashes severely with my trendy outfit."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"We were a little afraid of falling behind again," said Jen, "But fortunately, all the teams are on the same flight, so we have a better chance of getting ahead."

"Yeah," said Tom, "We're on a roll here! As long as Jen and I don't have any arguments about anything important on the race."

"But what are the chances of that happening?" asked Jen.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The plane to Hawaii took off with all the teams on-board, and thanks to editing, it landed in Hawaii sooner than it logically should have. The Sister and Reality TV Pros were first to the Don Box.

Owen tried to grab the first tip, but Emma pushed him and Noah aside and grabbed it instead.

"That's ours!" she said. "You might as well give up now."

"Watch out," said Owen, "You're about to get Noah'd."

"No, no, feel free to take the tip before us," said Noah with a smile.

"Wait, what?!" exclaimed Owen.

Kitty took the tip and read it:

"It's a Botch-or-Watch. Whoever didn't do the gymnastics course in Romania must dive underwater for rings. Huh?!"

Don stood by some docks by an inlet and explained the challenge.

"Each team member doing this challenge must dive to the bottom of this popular wedding bay, and search for one of many diamond rings scattered underwater. Then, they must swim, while their partner runs, down the inlet to the beach, where they'll find the next Don Box."

"Come on!" said Emma to Kitty, and they ran.

"Come on, Noah!" said Owen, before he noticed that Noah was still lost in another world.

"Maybe he has rabies," suggested Owen, before helping him move forward.

Josee and Jacques came running out of the airport and got their tip.

"Wait! Something's not right!" Josee said in alarm, feeling the pockets of her ice skating costume. "Bun bun! Where's bun bun?"

She was now aware that she had lost her lucky rabbit's foot.

"Oh no! My good luck charm is gone!" she cried.

"Don't worry," said Jacques, "It's just a silly superstition, like you said about my underpants!"

"All right, then," said Josee, "Take off your lucky gits!"

Jacques blanched. "In public?"

"Yes!" Josee ordered.

Jacques made a run for it.

"That's what I thought!" she yelled after him as she followed.

The teams soon started to reach the dock and one member of each team dove in, starting with Spud and Jacques.

Kitty looked at the water nervously. "It looks a bit deep."

"Just think of it as the pool at Nana's condo, only… with less old people around," said Emma. "Now go!" She pushed Kitty in.

When Kitty resurfaced, she was upset. "You pushed me!" she accused.

"It was a push of encouragement," replied Emma innocently, "And you're fine! Now, go get a ring!"

Kitty frowned for a second longer, but did as she was told.

Carrie got ready to dive, but gave Devin a loving hug first.

As he gave her a quizzical look, she said, "For luck."

"Oh, okay!" said Devin, "Good luck, Carrie!"

Carrie dove in, beaming at Devin, but her preoccupation with her best friend meant that she hit a rock sticking out of the water before going under.

Devin felt sorry for her.

Laurie made a very good swan dive into the water, like the water had consciously parted for her.

MacArthur and Geoff each made a cannonball jump.

"Go, MacArthur! Awesome!" shouted Brody, "You rule, baby!"

"Uh, you know she's my partner, right?" Sanders asked him.

Brody glanced at her. "You did good too, Geoff!" he shouted at his partner.

As the divers searched for rings, Jacques was the first to find one and resurface, though not before being squirted by a tiny octopus he grabbed accidentally.

"Excellent, Jacques!" shouted Josee enthusiastically, "See you on the beach!"

Laurie surfaced a few moments later and showed off her find to Miles.

"Great, Laurie!" Miles called, smiling widely, "Let's catch up with the Dancers!"

"Race you there!" said Laurie, as they went on ahead.

Taylor was supposed to dive, but she was busy indulging in fancy arm stretches first.

"Uh, honey," said Kelly, "Isn't this the part where you should be in the water now?"

"Chill, mom!" replied Taylor, "I've won like a zillion swimming trophies, remember?"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"My gym coach said I'm the best student in my class," boasted Taylor, "I have so many trophies, daddy had to reinforce the wall to hold them up. And according to mom, he also said that I'm the best swimmer he's ever seen."

"Actually, honey-" Kelly started to say.

"Eeeever!" Taylor interrupted with cheerful arrogance.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Taylor dove towards the water, but her dive was actually the clumsiest of them all, and she rammed face first into the water and slowly sank.

Kelly gave an uncomfortable smile. "I might have exaggerated what her gym coach said… just a tad." She put her fingers close together.

Jen looked at the water. "There's no way I'm swimming in salt water in my best outfit," she said.

"Why not?" Tom asked her. "I swam fully dressed with sharks in the Mediterranean."

"Yeah, but that's not your best outfit. This is my best," argued Jen.

"But don't our outfits match?" said Tom.

Jen raised an eyebrow.

Tom shook his head. "Okay," he said, "I forgot we're of opposite genders for a second. Go ahead, put on your bathing suit. But hurry it up. The other teams are mostly ahead of us."

"No problem," said Jen.

Four minutes later, Jen was wearing a blue bikini and dove into the water with the rest of the Botching contestants.

Crimson said to Ennui, "Are you certain your make-up won't come off under the water?"

"Relax, Crimson," said Ennui blandly, "Our make-up only comes off easily when exposed to strong heat and humidity."

"Ah, yes, I forgot," droned Crimson.

"Ha! Looks like you have to swim this time!" Chet mocked Lorenzo.

"Shut up, butt brain!" said Lorenzo, trying to tackle him.

Chet dodged the tackle, and Lorenzo landed clumsily in the water.

"Be careful not to drown, snot head!" Chet shouted after him.

"Now just be careful, Junior," said Dwayne, "You don't want to end up like Taylor or Lorenzo when you dive."

"Dad, I'll be fine," said Junior impatiently, "I have taken swimming classes, remember? I can DO this!" He dove into the water.

"Heh, heh, heh," chuckled Dwayne, "That's overconfidence for ya!"

Josee was running by the water, saying to herself, "We're in first, and we're well ahead of everyone else! Maybe Jacques was right! Maybe I don't need a good luck charm after all!"

Just then, she noticed something very distinctly standing out on the sand, and she stopped. It was a lava rock, shaped similarly to a trophy. Josee picked it up.

"It's so light, and warm," she said with wonder. "It's so beautiful. I just found a new good luck charm! Come on, lava rock! We have a race to win!"

She started to run, but an old man native to Hawaii stopped her with his fishing pole. "Wait!" he commanded, "You can't take a lava rock as a souvenir."

"You have a whole volcano of lava rocks, grandpa!" Josee retorted, "Go find your own!" She pulled the pole's hook off her jacket and resumed running.

Meanwhile, Kitty managed to wrestle a ring away from Jen when the latter was distracted by a shark. She brought it up to the surface.

"Yes!" cheered Emma.

At the same moment, Carrie also came up with a ring.

"You're amazing, Carrie!" shouted Devin.

Carrie squealed with delight.

"Did you just squeal?" Kitty inquired.

"Uh, no," said Carrie, "I didn't mean to, anyway."

"You're in love with him, aren't you?" said Kitty sweetly.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"When love is in the air, I know it," said Kitty. "Sort of like a sixth sense. And I've sensed a lot recently."

"What are you talking about?" Emma demanded.

"Nothing," said Kitty innocently. "So, noticed any hot guys looking your way?"

"I don't know what you're talking about-"

Kitty started making cute and coy noises while making funny faces.

Emma got up and walked away.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Yeah, I have feelings for him," admitted Carrie to Kitty, "But I don't know whether he feels the same way about me. And he already has a girlfriend back home, Shelley. So please don't tell him about how I feel? Please?"

"Okay, I won't," promised Kitty, "But maybe someone should."

Carrie reflected on that.

Josee reached the beach, which Jacques had also arrived at just then.

"First place!" Josee cheered. "And look, Jacques! I found a new good luck charm!" She showed him the lava rock.

"Nothing can stop us now!" Jacques cheered back.

They checked the next Don Box. The tip said:

"In this All-In, teams must perform a traditional Hawaiian ritual by… walking on fire?!"

Don demonstrated the challenge for them and narrated. "Technically, hot coals. In this challenge, brides must wear grass skirts, and grooms must wear wreaths, and the grooms carry their brides, barefoot, all the way along this path of coals."

The heat was apparently getting to him, because he started to hop and hobble painfully.

"It's a test of strength… and honor! If any part of them catches fire, they must go back to the start and try again!" Don explained.

He cried out in pain and ran to the end where Jacques and Josee stood, and hopped up and down in pain. "All one-gender teams may choose who will be the bride and who will be the groom. After they have passed the challenge, it's a foot race down to the Chill Zone."

He examined the bottoms of his feet. Needlessly to say, they were lightly burned and soot-covered.

"Great!" he said to himself, "Now I have to take foot modeling off my resume!"

Back underwater, Noah found two rings, and decided to take them both. He resurfaced and showed them to Noah.

"Awesome!" Owen said. "I'll see ya at the beach, pal!"

Taylor swam up too, to the best of her ability, anyway, and displayed her ring.

"Mom! I got one!"

"Great, honey!" said Kelly, "Now swim to the shore of the beach and I'll meet you there!"

"Don't sweat it, mom," said Taylor, "I am the best swimmer in my class, after all." Then she started to swim away, very pathetically, with short, jerky movements.

"She's really something," said Kelly awkwardly.

Noah swam along well ahead of her, while Owen ran along the shore, trying to keep up. Suddenly, Noah stopped and started to flail his arms about, as if he was suddenly drowning.

"Help! Something's got me! A shark! Help!" he shouted.

Owen felt helpless to help him. "Oh, my gosh! Somebody help him! Oh, why wasn't I born a merman!" he whined, crying.

Then, Noah regained control of himself, and up popped Jen with him, who looked like she was trying to hold him under the water.

"Thought you could get away with it, didn't you?" Jen said. "You can't rob the other teams of their rings! We each need to find one, too, and I almost couldn't get one because you took two of them! Come on! Hand one of 'em over!"

"Oh, man," said Noah, "I was gonna sell the extra one for cash. I should've known it was too good to be true!"

"Thank you very much," said Jen with a cold smile as he reluctantly handed over his extra ring. "See you at the beach." She started swimming back to Tom.

While sitting on the beach, Noah addressed the camera.

"I'm not getting soft or anything," he said. "Jen was just so… intimidating. I know I've been a bit distracted by Emma lately, but just because I felt an infatuation doesn't mean I'm a nice person. And I'm not necessarily weak, either, just because I was the first member of my team in Total Drama Island to be eliminated, and I lost every other reality show I've ever been on, and now a proud, vain fashion blogger scares me into giving away something I could finally get rich from, and…"

He got up and started to run after Jen. "Gimme back that ring, you fancy dan!"

Laurie and Miles had reached the beach and read the next tip.

"Technically, we're both brides," said Miles. "How shall we do this?"

Laurie looked at her pants. "Your slacks are looser than mine. And loose clothing catches fire more easily than tight clothing. I'd better be the groom. You be the bride."

"I just hope that sparks don't fly while we're on those coals," said Miles nervously.

"Don't be afraid, Miles," said Laurie, "Just think of it as another foreign custom to be respected and embraced. Isn't that one of our principles?"

"For sure, it is," said Miles with a grin.

A-ways ahead, the Ice Dancers were walking over the coals with ease, as if they weren't aware that they were doing so.

"This is much easier than I thought," commented Jacques with a smile.

Smiling Josee, who was evidently being carried by Jacques, said, "Just imagine that we're back on the ice rink, skating in the Olympics, being watched by our adoring fans. Nothing but a cool layer of ice beneath you, and a fixed blade separating you from the ice. You're just gliding along. There are no hot coals…"

But this last reminded Jacques of the coals, and they weren't all the way across yet. He started to feel the burn, and then his pants caught on fire.

"AAAHHHHH!" he screamed, running back to the beach with Josee, taking a plunge into the water. He breathed a sigh of relief as the fire was extinguished.

Along the way, they passed the Vegans, who got across the coals with greater ease.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"That wasn't so bad, Miles, was it?" Laurie asked her friend.

"Not at all," said Miles. "In fact, it felt like I was a damsel in distress being rescued and carried away by her Amazonian heroine."

"Amazonian?" said Laurie, raising an eyebrow. "Nobody's ever called me that before. I like it. Thanks, Miles. But you know, you don't have to be a damsel in distress. You can be stronger than you think you are. People like Stephanie are bullies, and they're weaker than those with better ethics and bravery."

"It's not easy," said Miles, "I like to be nice to everybody. I'm not sure I can ever be as tough as you turned out to be."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Laurie and Miles started running toward the Chill Zone. Don was sitting in a chair in the shade, sipping a coconut drink. Inevitably, they were the first team to arrive this time.

"Hmm… passion fruit. Nice." Don got up. "Laurie, Miles, congratulations on your second win! You're team number one!"

Laurie and Miles cheered.

"And I'm about to tell you now," said Don, "Occasionally, on this Race, the first team to reach the Chill Zone will receive a smaller prize or privilege denied to the other teams. And your reward is… A luxury bath and spa on the flight to the Race's next location, complete with some tasty… goodies!"

Miles narrowed her eyes. "These goodies don't consist of meat, do they? 'Cause I've had enough of that for one race!"

"I can't make any promises regarding the Race's future," said Don, "But these snacks don't consist of any meat. Since your team got here first, your snacks will consist mostly of candy, soy ice cream, cocktails, veggies, and fresh fruit."

Miles sighed with relief. So did Laurie.

"That's beautiful!" said Laurie. "We're going to be pampered for a few hours!"

"Just what we need at a time like this!" cheered Miles.

They hugged.

"Little do they realize that there's still more meat to come," said Don aside to the camera. He winked.

At the skirts and wreaths, Kitty was helping Carrie put on her skirt.

"Do you really think I should tell Devin?" Carrie asked her.

"I don't see why not," said Kitty, "Go for it!"

Kitty walked over to where Owen was putting on a wreath.

"It's cool we're both gonna be grooms," she said to him.

"Not for me. I'm about to marry a dead guy!" Owen replied.

"What do you mean?" asked Kitty.

"Just look at Noah," said Owen, pointing at his partner, who was staring at Emma again. "He's drooling, and being acting all weirdly nice. It's sick."

"No, it isn't," said Kitty, "It just means he's in love."

"Huh?" said Owen. Then it hit him. "Ooohhh, riiiggghhhttt!"

Carrie and Devin had reached the coals, and they were now walking across them.

"Oooohhh! You're strong, Devin!" said Carrie.

"Thanks, Carrie," said Devin, "Anything for my best friend. Of course, I bet Shelley would appreciate this, too."

Carrie looked at him incredulously.

"Oh, no offense," said Devin.

"None taken," said Carrie.

Most of the other teams had also reached the skirts and the coals by then.

"Oh, no," said MacArthur, "I don't skirt."

"I had a feeling you'd say that," said Sanders dryly.

"I don't know about this, Jen," said Tom, "I got a great pedicure recently, and I don't wanna ruin it."

"But I've got one, too, Tom," said Jen, "And besides, when the team is male-female, which ours is, I have to be the bride. Face the music, 'cause we have no choice. Besides, if we win the race, it can benefit our blog, remember?"

"All right then," said Tom reluctantly, "I'll do it for the blog."

"I am NOT wearing the skirt!" Junior informed his dad. "Every kid at school is going to see me here, and I'll never hear the end of it if I have to wear the skirt!"

"But Junior," argued Dwayne, "If I wear the skirt, you'll have to carry me. And I doubt if you're strong enough to pick me up and carry me all the way across that path of coals."

"My classmate Larry Finkle spent all of last year getting shoved into his own locker, because his name rhymes with 'tinkle!'" Junior exclaimed. He pushed the skirt into his dad's hands. "Let's do this!"

"Junior!" protested Dwayne, "I'm too heavy for you to carry across the coals!"

"Dad," said Junior in a macho voice, "You'd be surprised what these muscles can do."

Dwayne eyed the camera and chortled. "Finkle."

Carrie and Devin made it all the way across the coals.

"Hey! Besties!" said the Ice Dancers, racing across the coals, "Move it or lose it!"

The Best Friends picked up the pace, while the Ice Dancers did the same, both trying to beat each other to the Chill Zone.

Josee held up her lava rock. "Believe in the lava rock, and we'll own the podium!" she said.

They started to pass the Friends as they got close to the Carpet of Completion, but suddenly, Jacques tripped over a big rock and they fell forward on the ground.

The Best Friends stepped on the Carpet first.

"Carrie, Devin, you're team number two!" announced Don. They cheered for each other.

The Ice Dancers stepped on the carpet next, sulking. "Let me guess!" said Jacques, "Silver again!"

"No, Ice Capades, actually, you won bronze!" said Don, "The Vegans got here well before you."

The Vegans were sitting in the sun nearby with smiles on their faces.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Josee. "Bronze is the worst medal! The road to shame is paved with bronze!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Crimson was busy painting her skirt black.

"She only wears black," said Ennui, "Even if it's grass, it has to be black grass."

Taylor, meanwhile, finally made it to the shore, where Kelly was waiting for her.

"Took you long enough," said Taylor, as if her mother had been the slow one. She read the tip.

"Oh! I am not walking on hot coals!" Taylor informed her mother.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Do you have any idea how much my gel pedi cost?" Taylor asker her.

"Of course, dear," said Kelly, "because you paid for it with my credit card!"

"Just listen to the leader," said Taylor calmly.

"What makes you the leader?" demanded Kelly.

"Because I'm the one with leader and training certification," said Taylor.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

More teams started walking and carrying themselves across the fiery coals. Brody was carrying Geoff across.

"Whoa, dude," Brody said, "This is so hot, it's cold!"

"Oh, this is nothin'. Remember that time we went paddle boarding in the Yukon and we forgot our wetsuits?" said Geoff. "So cold, bro!"

"Yeah, keep going," said Brody.

"And remember that time your tongue froze to that flagpole?" said Geoff. "Or the time I poured that slushie down your shorts? That was wild, dude!"

They made it to the end of the coals.

"Whoa!" said Brody again. "My feet could use an ice slushie about now!"

They ran to the Chill Zone. Not far behind, the other teams were crossing the fire, too. Noah and Owen were in the front, followed by Emma and Kitty. Close behind, MacArthur carried Sanders over her shoulder.

"Could you possibly carry me in a less awkward way?" Sanders asked sarcastically.

"No," said MacArthur, "Because this is the least awkward way possible."

"I don't doubt that," said Sanders, again sarcastic.

Chet was pushing his armpits in Lorenzo's face as the latter carried him. It didn't help that Chet's armpits were hairy.

"Get your pits outta my face!" he complained.

"Get your face outta my pits!" mocked Chet.

"That doesn't make any sense!" Lorenzo snapped.

"You said it first!" Chet retaliated.

"AAAAAHHHH!" they growled.

Noah and Owen: "Fourth!"

Emma and Kitty: "Fifth!"

Geoff and Brody: "Sixth!"

"I love you, man!" said Brody.

"I'd marry you all over again!" said Geoff.

"I just love weddings!" said Don dreamily.

Dwayne and Junior: "Seventh!"

Chet and Lorenzo: "Eighth!"

Sanders and MacArthur: "Ninth!"

Rock was being carried by Spud. "Hey, Spud, how're you doing with those coals?"

"What coals?" Spud asked cluelessly.

"Nothin'" said Rock. "Just checkin'."

Crimson and Ennui: "Tenth!"

Rock and Spud: "Eleventh!"

"Only two teams are left," said Don. "Who's going to make it, and who's going to make a brake for it?"

Tom had tried twice to carry Jen across the coals, only for his pants, and then her grass skirt, to catch on fire each time. They ran back to put out the flames.

Kelly tried to carry a surly Taylor across, but Taylor's skirt was ignited by a spark, too, and Kelly threw Taylor on the soft sand, throwing more sand on the flame to extinguish it.

"MOM! My accessories!" Taylor complained.

Carrie and Devin were sitting together on a rock near the coals after checking in.

"You know, Carrie, I'm really lucky to be doing this race with you, and not Shelley, you know?" Devin said.

Carrie smiled hopefully. _Maybe this is the time I can tell him about how I feel._

"You really mean it?" she asked.

"Sure!" answered Devin. "If Shelley had come with me on the race, we'd probably be like some of those other teams half the time, at each other's throats. But you and me, we're perfect. And that's what's perfect about being best friends."

Carrie grinned.

"We just stay the same..." continued Devin.

Carrie's smile faltered abruptly.

"...Forever. Friends," concluded Devin. "Well, I'm gonna crash. Good night, homie."

As he walked away, Carrie felt like her heart had just crashed on the rock she sat on.

Tom gave it one more try, and succeeded. But Kelly and Taylor noticed this. "Mom! Put the pedal to the medal already! We're about to lose!"

"I'm going, sweetie!" exclaimed Kelly, running as fast as she could on the hot coals. They made it to the end, and it was a foot race to the Chill Zone. The teams raced like mad, trying to stay in the Race, until…

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Tom and Jen hit the Carpet feet first. "Twelfth place!" Don shouted.

"Yes! We're still in it!" Jen said happily.

"Second to last again!" remarked Tom. "We've gotta stop cutting these things so darn close!"

"Hey!" Miles called to them, "Come over here, and have a little rest in the sun with us."

"Not a bad idea," said Jen, "I still have my swimsuit on under my clothes."

She and Tom went to join the Vegans. Mother and Daughter looked very disappointed.

"Kelly, Taylor, you're in last place," said Don, "Eliminating you… is what I'd do now if this were an elimination round, but it's non-elimination! You get to stay in the Race! For now."

"Oh," breathed Kelly, "That's such a relief. Hear that, honey? We're still racing!"

"No duh, mom," said Taylor carelessly. "You really need to step up your game if this isn't going to keep happening to us. For serious."

"We're a team, Taylor," said Kelly.

"I know you're not used to winning, like me," Taylor said solipsistically, "Trust me, it's not that hard-"

"You don't know what it's like to win either, Taylor!" Kelly suddenly exploded. "You've never won anything in your life! Not one race, not one medal, nothing!"

"Wait! What?" Taylor stammered, "What does that mean? I told you, my room is full of trophies and medals!"

"That's because your father bought a trophy store!" Kelly exclaimed. "What kind of trophies come in the mail? And guess who paid all your coaches and teachers to lie to you? Yes, daddy!"

Taylor was aghast. "Beauty pageants! I won beauty pageants! You can't fake those!"

Kelly clucked. "Honey, when you're old enough and have enough money, you can lie about anything," she said quietly.

Taylor just stared in stunned disbelief.

"The coals were hot, but that was cold!" said cocky Don. "Well, they're lucky for now. But who's going to get the next cold reception next time? And will they be as lucky as Kelly and Taylor were today? Tune in next time on… The Ridonculous Race!"

 **1st place: Laurie & Miles  
** **2nd place: Carrie & Devin  
** **3rd place: Josee & Jacques  
** **4th place: Noah & Owen  
** **5th place: Emma & Kitty  
** **6th place: Geoff & Brody  
** **7th place: Dwayne & Junior  
** **8th place: Chet & Lorenzo  
** **9th place: Sanders & MacArthur  
** **10th place: Crimson & Ennui  
** **11th place: Rock & Spud  
** **12th place: Tom & Jen** **  
**

 **NON-ELIMINATION:**

 **13th place: Kelly & Taylor**

 **ELIMINATED:**

 **14th place: Stephanie & Ryan  
** **15th place: Jay & Mickey  
** **16th place: Ellody & Mary  
** **17th place: Gerry & Pete  
** **18th place: Leonard & Tammy** **  
**

* * *

 **A/N: This chapter is a little bit shorter than the previous two, but that's fine. I don't intend for all the chapters necessarily to have more than 6,000 words in each of them. And maybe the ending of this chapter is a little bit anti-climactic, not building up as much excitement as the previous chapters, but I'm going to try to avoid that trap in the future. Anyway, if readers still are enjoying this story, continue to read and review!**


	5. Hello and Dubai

**Episode 9: Hello and Dubai**

 _Last time, on The Ridonculous Race…_

 _"Our teams took a blistering stroll through Hawaii. The good-ol' Vegans were lucky enough to take first place again, and won a nice compensation prize for them eating meat in Iceland. Little do they know they'll have to repeat that humiliating experience in the near future! The Ice Dancers lost their lucky rabbit's foot, but fortunately, they found a new lucky charm on the shores of the beach, which might possibly be not as lucky as they think! Our smooth Fashion Bloggers cut their survival darn close, again, and the Mother and Daughter came in last, but it was a non-elimination round. It would've been almost joyful, if not for Kelly taking the time to inform Taylor that she's not so chipotle as she thought!"_

 _"So what do you say? Shall we let the madness continue? That's a no-brainer. Of course we shall! It is reality TV, isn't it? So stay tuned in. This is… The Ridonculous Race!"_

 **(The opening titles roll)**

* * *

Don was standing next to the leg's first Don Box. "Yesterday's Chill Zone is today's starting line," he announced. "First up today are Laurie and Miles."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"It feels so good to be at the top again!" said Miles.

"I know," said Laurie, "We can still win this. Those other teams won't know what ate 'em!"

Miles blinked. "Laurie, don't you mean, 'they won't know what hit them'?"

Laurie put her hand over her mouth. "Oh, yes, of course!" she corrected herself. She chortled. "Silly me!" She ran off.

Miles looked after her. "What is it with Laurie and her constant side references to eating meat?" she wondered worriedly.

"Miles!" Laurie shouted. "Are you coming, or what?"

"Oh, yes, of course!" Miles copycat-ed Laurie's statement. "I'm coming!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

They took the first tip and read it.

"It says we have to go to… What's that name, Miles?" asked Laurie.

"I think it's Dubai," said Miles.

Cut to a postcard showing a section of the United Arab Emirates, plus the national flag.

"Dubai," narrated Don, "here in the U.A.E. An oasis of luxury. Full of man-made islands, and a mall so big, even teens get lost!"

A skeleton of a teen was shown holding some shopping bags, and it collapsed.

"Once here, teams must travel to the world's only seven-star hotel to receive their next travel tip," said Don, who was standing at the base of the hotel's tower.

The first seven teams rushed into the airport. Jacques and Josee made it to the front of the line and eagerly asked for tickets to Dubai.

"We have a flight leaving now," said the clerk, "Twelve seats."

Dwayne and Junior were the last ones to make it to the line.

"Whew! We made it!" said relieved Dwayne.

"Uh, count again," requested Junior.

Dwayne counted all the twelve teams ahead of them, and said, "Aw, crud."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Already tied for last," moaned Junior.

"Oh, it's not all that bad, son," said Dwayne. "Last time, we were on the first flight and it got delayed, remember? Things are bound to look up!"

Junior looked lost at his dad's misplaced optimism.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"While the others wait for the second flight," narrated Don, "the first six teams take off for Dubai on the first flight, with the most opulent first class space imaginable; promised, of course, for winners only."

The first class section looked almost like an airborne temple, with a couch (complete with seat belts), beds for both tanning and massage, trays of treats, and soundproofed walls. Laurie and Miles sat down with white robes on and took a look at the treats.

"Wow!" Miles said, "Hippies like us don't usually get luxuries like this!"

"That's because we don't normally ask for them," said Laurie. "But after that ghastly 'feast' in Iceland, this change is more than welcome. Here, have a chocolate chip cookie."

"Is it gluten free?" asked Miles.

"Seems to be," said Laurie.

"I'll take it!" Miles said excitedly. "Would you like a cinnamon bar?"

"Share and share alike," said Laurie cheerfully.

A stewardess said to them, "About fifteen minutes after we're at the highest altitude, you both have the option of getting a massage from the plane's professional masseuse."

Miles and Laurie beamed at each other.

Jacques had been listening to all of this from the curtain of the coach cabin. "Oh! May we have in on-?" he started to say, but the stewardess promptly sprinted over to him and closed the curtain in his face.

"Agh!" he complained to Josee, "Those luxuries should be ours! We're the glamorous celebrities; they're just a couple of Woodstock wannabes!"

"It's just like my mother always said," said Josee, "Bronze is the medal of failure!" She spat on the floor, which earned her a frown from the coach stewardess. "But with our new lava rock, we'll soon own the podium again!"

"Yes!" Jacques cheered, "Our luck is bound to improve!"

Just then, the luggage compartment directly above Jacques opened by itself, and lots of heavy carry-on items fell all over him, including a bowling ball, of all things.

"Ow! Ow! OWWW!" he groaned.

Don was standing by the line for the second flight. "For all the teams, it'll be a quick flight," he was saying. Then someone said something to him through his earpiece. "What?" he said in surprise.

"Correction," he said, "Each flight is a seventeen hour flight. Man, is that long! Oh well, at least the Vegans will have plenty of time for fun and a nap, and the other teams can enjoy each other's company!"

After the second flight took off, a close-up was shown of Noah in his seat in the first flight.

"I know the seat belt sign's on, but why bother?" he moaned, as it was revealed that big boy Owen was sitting on his lap.

"Do you have to sit like this?" demanded Noah.

Owen chortled. "Sure is cozy."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Flying is still so terrifying," said Owen, shivering. "In the past, I squeezed my Beary to make me feel more secure, but I lost him, so now I squeeze my Noah!" He gave Noah a bear hug.

"My lungs," said Noah weakly.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"You want the window seat, pal?" asked Owen amiably. Noah was in the aisle seat.

"No thanks," said Noah.

"Oooh, but you always want the window seat!" said Owen slyly.

Noah looked over to where Emma and Kitty were sitting, across the aisle.

"Hey, I was thinking, Emma. Maybe we should form an alliance. Like with, I don't know… Owen and Noah?" said Kitty.

"What?!" exclaimed Emma.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I have enough trouble keeping this one on track," said Emma, pointing at Kitty. "Don't you remember what happened to our last alliance?"

"It crashed and burned before it started," said Kitty.

"Yup," said Emma, "And then our alliance got themselves eliminated."

"I promise, it'll be different this time," insisted Kitty. "Unlike the Adversity Twins, those guys are Reality TV Pros. I'm sure things will be all right!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Just then, Owen, who was trying to buckle his seat belt, made a big, stinking fart. Noah and the Sisters held their noses, and the yellow oxygen masks popped out of their compartments.

"I'm gonna hang in the toilet, where it smells better," said Noah to Owen sarcastically. He almost bumped faces with Emma on the way.

In another part of the plane, Tom was examining the damage the hot coals had done to his pants.

"Oh, man!" Tom groaned. "Look what that fire did to my trousers! It'll take a fortune to get it repaired, or replaced!"

"I know!" said a distressed Jen, "Although my grass skirt took the worst of it, I think my regular skirt got singed, too! Oh, how are our best outfits going to survive this race?!"

Taylor popped over the seats from behind and snapped, "Who gives a hoot, you babies? I'm much more fashionable than either of you ever will be, and you don't hear me complaining, do you?"

"Well," said Jen, "From what I've heard, complaining is all you ever do, Taylor."

Kelly stood up from behind. "She has a point, hon-"

"Just stop it, mom! You know you're the complainer in the family!" snapped Taylor.

"Uh, no," said Kelly, but Taylor turned the back of her head to her.

"Who asked your opinion, anyway?" Tom asked Taylor. "We sure didn't!"

"I asked me!" retorted Taylor.

"Mind your own business!" Tom retorted back.

Taylor sighed. "Whatever."

After Mom/Daughter sat down again, Kelly said to her daughter, "I like the way you handled that last, honey!"

"Oh, really?" Taylor replied, "Do I get a fake trophy for it?"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Honey, I feel awful about what I said to you," implored Kelly.

"Really?" said Taylor, with a phony smile, "Then all is forgiven. SIKE!" Her smile turned into a scowl. "That means it isn't!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Mom, I need some space," said Taylor. "I'm giving you a time-out."

"Uh, honey," said Kelly, "Children don't give their parents time-out-"

Taylor promptly held her breath.

"Oh, okay, if you insist," submitted her mother, walking away.

She looked for another place to sit, and decided to settle for Dwayne and Junior's extra seat. "Excuse me?" she asked Dwayne. "Is this seat taken?"

"Oh, no! No it isn't," chuckled Dwayne. "But I am. I'm married, that is."

"She's not into you, dad," Junior informed him, while he listened to music on headphones.

"That's okay," said Kelly, sitting down, "I'm just having some family issues with my daughter Taylor. It all started when-"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"If we play our cards right," said Dwayne to his son, "maybe we can form our first alliance."

"Um, have you met them?" Junior asked.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"-And I guess I shouldn't have told her the truth," continued Kelly.

"I can see how our opinions matter so much to our kids," remarked Dwayne. "One time, Junior made me some pancakes, and I said they were overdone. He almost cried."

"Dad!" protested Junior. "You promised you'd never talk about that again!"

"I had the same thing happen to me," said Kelly, "Except I was the one making pancakes for Taylor, and she threw them at me… And the pan!"

"Well, that's kids for you. Yeah, sometimes, other people's opinions make me feel bad, too," said Dwayne, "Back in Iceland, we unintentionally took the Vegan team's fossil away from them and kept it. The Vegan named Laurie hasn't forgiven me since, especially since she and her partner thought that we and Don had forced them to eat meat by our actions. The only reason it doesn't bother me more is because I'm not the superstitious type."

"What do you mean?" inquired Kelly.

"Well," said Dwayne, "Laurie threatened me, claiming that the goddess of karma would find me and punish me. Wow, you should've seen the fire in her eyes! Fortunately, I'm an atheist through and through, so I don't have to agree with her outlandish beliefs." He smiled.

"Uh huh," said Kelly with an uncertain smile.

In yet another part of the plane, Crimson and Ennui mused on where they were going next.

"I'm so relieved to be leaving Hawaii," said Crimson.

"I know," said Ennui, "All that sunshine and happiness? So not us! So where are we headed next?"

"Dubai, the United Arab Emirates," answered Crimson.

"A minor improvement," said Ennui.

On flight one, meanwhile, Noah and Emma were talking to each other privately while Owen and Kitty were watching from a safe distance.

"They're so snarky and full of themselves," remarked Kitty. "It's like they're made for each other!"

"Why are they not a couple?" asked Owen.

"It's Emma," said Kitty, "She still a little sore from her breakup with her boyfriend Jake."

"Hmm," said Owen, "Still fresh?"

"It was three years ago, actually," said Kitty.

"Oh," said Owen.

Flight number one was shown landing at its destination.

"Flight number one has landed and the teams are on their way to the Burj Al Arab," said Don.

All the flight one teams ran towards the Don Box. Owen and Noah were the first ones to reach it and grab a tip.

"It's an Either-Or," read Noah, "Serve or Squeegee?"

Cut to Don standing atop the Burj Al Arab where there is a tennis court on the roof. A strange looking robot installed with tennis balls stood nearby.

"In this Either-Or, teams can either successfully hit and return one volley of tennis balls from this machine," narrated Don.

The robot fired a tennis ball, which demolished a test dummy.

"Or scrub an entire column of windows from top to bottom with squeegees."

An elevated window washing platform was shown, from which the teams would squeegee the windows. A strong wind blew, and a piece of one of the platforms came off and fell to the ground below.

On the tennis court, the Ice Dancers, the Stepbrothers, the Surfer Dudes, and the Best Friends had chosen to do the tennis game. Brody was up first.

"You got this, Bro!" shouted Geoff.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Tennis is the ultimate wimp sport," said Geoff, "There's no tackling or contact, just a fluffy ball."

"Yeah," said Brody, "This'll be a piece of cake! What could go wrong?"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"You got this, Bro!" Geoff shouted again.

"I got this!" shouted Brody, looking back.

The tennis robot fired a volley of balls at him, with such powerful kinetic energy that they terrified the heck out of him.

"I don't got this!" Brody yelled, retreating.

Carrie was up next, and she looked pretty nervous.

"Don't worry," said Devin, "No matter what happens, I believe in you."

"Thanks," said Carrie, grinning.

Devin, grinning too, said, "You know, Shelley hangs out with her tennis instructor all the time and she says that tennis is a mental game."

"What was that?" asked Carrie.

A tennis ball knocked her racket out of her hands. Chet, who was up next, laughed at her. Another ball hit him squarely in the face, knocking him to the floor.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Nice going, Chet!" said Lorenzo, "Now we've gotta wait until it's our turn again!"

"You're just jealous 'cause I talked to a girl," taunted Chet.

"That wasn't talking," Lorenzo disagreed, "That's pointing and laughing like a chihuahua!"

"No, it wasn't!" exclaimed Chet.

"Yes, it was!" Lorenzo exclaimed back.

They tackled each other yet again.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Laurie and Miles looked uneasily at the tennis robot.

"What do you think, Laurie?" asked Miles, "That robot looks a little… tough for a robot."

"I don't know," said Laurie, "It doesn't look that bad. I bet I could beat it at its own game."

"But what about me?" said Miles. "I hate conflict so much, that thing will cream poor, little old me!"

"We'll think of something to do about that," said Laurie. "I'm sure we can do it with practice."

Miles sighed. "If you say so, Laurie. Oh, I am so not going to enjoy this!" she said to the camera.

Back on the second flight, Kelly was still discussing problems with children with Dwayne. By now, Dwayne had asked the stewardess for a glass of water.

"…And after she crashed her third sports car, I wanted to cut up all her credit cards, but I knew she'd just steal mine," said Kelly. "That's parenting, right?"

"Well, I guess teens are more challenging," said Dwayne. "Junior's only thirteen right now, so I couldn't be sure." He started to sip his water.

"Oh, no," said Kelly, "This all happened when she was ten. The real drama started when she turned twelve."

Dwayne spat out his water in surprise.

"Kelly," he said, "I think the problem here is that Taylor doesn't have proper boundaries. Either that, or maybe she was born rotten."

Kelly gasped. "Born rotten?! HOW DARE YOU!" She grabbed the glass of water and splashed the rest of it in Dwayne's face. Then she stormed back to her seat beside Taylor.

Dwayne wiped his face. "Good talk…" he muttered, not understanding how he insulted Kelly and Taylor.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I'm beginning to think maybe Kelly and Taylor aren't the best team to ally with, after all," shrugged Dwayne.

Junior snickered. "Yeah."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Back at the top of the Burj Al Arab, the Sisters and the Reality TV Pros had elected to do the windows.

"Hey, we're both doing the same challenge!" said Kitty. "What are the odds?"

"Hey! Maybe we should work together," suggested Owen.

"No alliances, remember?" Emma reminded Kitty again. "No alliances, no-ah distractions!"

"Did you just say 'Noah'?" Kitty asked with delight.

"ZERO distractions!" Emma corrected herself.

At the airport, the second flight had arrived, and the other teams raced to catch up with the first.

Tom and Jen ran ahead of the other teams. "Make way for world-famous fashion bloggers!" Jen shouted.

The other teams picked up speed and trampled Tom and Jen. Jen examined her shades for damage.

"Or maybe not…" she mumbled.

Owen had just finished scrubbing a window. "Ha!" he said. "This isn't so hard. How many is that?"

"One," said Noah flatly.

The Sisters were slightly ahead of them for the moment. Kitty was having a hard time figuring out how to move the platform, not to mention getting nervous because of the strong wind.

"I'm starting to think this is scarier than tennis," she said.

"Just help me lower this thing," Emma said. "According to the manual, we have to pull these two levers at the same time."

"What?" said Kitty, "Why would they design it like that?"

"Why would they put a tennis court on the roof?" countered Emma. "Just pull the lever on the count of three."

Kitty shrugged and got ready to do so.

"Okay," said Emma. "One, two, three!"

They pulled their respective levers… in opposite directions. Emma's end of the platform came loose and she almost fell out, clinging to the platform for dear life. Kitty slid down from her position and also held on desperately.

"Uh, I'm gonna say that was your fault," said Emma.

"Of course, you are," said Kitty, not a bit surprised.

At the bottom of the hotel, the other teams arrived at the Don Box. Tom and Jen got their tip first.

"Serve or Squeegee?" read Jen.

They looked up and noticed Emma and Kitty dangling from their platform.

"I think it'd be better if we do Serve," suggested Tom.

Jen looked up and said, "I hope our alliance is doing Serve, too. It might benefit us."

Up on the tennis court, Spud got hit in the head by a ball. He stood there as if his head was full of nitroglycerin.

"Dude," said Rock, "You okay?"

"Sure, man," replied Spud. "Why? Something happen?"

"Uh, no, not really," said Rock.

Junior looked eager to do Serve, but his dad didn't trust the challenge so much. "Uh, we'll be switching to windows!"

"Us, too!" said Kelly, momentarily forgetting her anger at Dwayne.

"Mom, I can do this," Taylor objected, "I've got like, a zillion tennis trophies."

Kelly gave her a sheepish grin of reminder.

Taylor cried out in frustration. "Mom! You ruined my life!"

"Will you be quiet back there? I'm trying to serve!" shouted Jacques, who was up next at tennis.

"Whatever," said Taylor again.

Devin said to the camera, "I've watched Shelley play a lot of tennis games. And Jacques has a better chance of hitting a beach ball than a tennis ball."

Jacques successfully hit the ball, and it went flying far away, into the sun.

Devin looked embarrassed. "I'll shut up now," he said.

"Ah! Good idea!" Jacques said sarcastically. "Watch Josee play now! You might learn something!"

Josee stepped up to hit the ball. She spared a second to give her "lucky" lava rock a kiss. As the robot was about to open fire…

A seagull landed on top of Josee's head and distracted her. She gave it an annoyed look and tried to shoo it away.

The robot gave her a rapid volley. The seagull flew away, and Josee panicked. The last ball hit her on the head, knocking her out briefly. Jacques ran over to her.

"Josee, if this keeps happening, we'll never make the podium! Let's switch to windows!" he said.

"Okay," said Josee. "But after we win, I am throwing a MASSIVE TANTRUM!"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Tantrums run in her family," said Jacques. "One time, I was late picking Josee up, and her mother attacked me with a lamp."

"I don't miss that lamp!" declared Josee.

"Or your mother," Jacques added.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Dwayne and Junior were busy washing the windows.

"Now son, the trick to proper squeegeeing is to-" said Dwayne.

"Uh, wipe the window?" suggested Junior ironically.

"Oh… yeah…" said Dwayne. "Fast learner!" He patted Junior on the head.

Nearby, Kelly was glaring angrily at Dwayne.

"He thinks he's parent of the year," she grumbled, "I can see why Laurie hates him. Who is he to tell me how to-?"

"Mom!" interrupted Taylor, "Get moving! These windows won't wash themselves!"

"On it!" said Kelly hastily, "Good call, honey!" Taylor had a way of making her feel like she was the child and Taylor was the adult.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"These challenges are good for Taylor and I," said Kelly, "At home we're so busy with our everyday lives."

"Actually, I'm a lot busier than she is," claimed Taylor, "But I try to squeeze her in."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The robot fired a ball at Jen, who was better at tennis than Tom. It hit her on the forehead and knocked her down.

"That robot is like, unbeatable," said Tom, "We'll never beat it!"

"I was afraid of that!" said a despairing Miles.

"Nothing is unbeatable," said Laurie, "I know how to beat this thing at its own game, so both of our teams can get ahead. It'll mean making things easier for the other teams too, though, but I think it's worth it."

"And how are you going to do that, Laurie?" asked Miles.

"Watch and learn," said Laurie with a smirk. She stepped up to hit the ball, and she hit it…

…With enough powerful recoil to shoot right back at the robot and smack it in its gun! The damaged machine slid backwards off the court and started to fall.

"Hmm, not bad," said Miles with a stunned expression.

"Just because I'm gentle with animals, doesn't mean I have to be gentle with balls," declared Laurie.

Meanwhile, the robot fell on Emma and Kitty's fixed platform and aimed its gun at them, shaking from the damage done to it.

"Um, is this part of the challenge?" Emma asked nervously.

The robot opened fire like a machine gun. Kitty screamed and frantically batted away every ball with her squeegee.

"Are you kidding me?" Emma said, appalled, "Could this possibly get any harder?"

One of the deflected balls hit one of the levers, and Emma slid downwards and soon dangled from the end of the platform again.

"Kitty! Help!" she cried.

Noah and Owen were a little below them. Noah looked up in time to see Emma and the robot fall to their almost certain deaths.

"Emma, NOOOO!" yelled Noah.

Emma fell and screamed, not looking forward to death, until…

Noah caught Emma in mid-air, while the robot fell to the ground and received worse damage.

"Hey clumsy, you dropped something," he joked, looking into Emma's eyes.

They both smiled at each other warmly.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"You know that moment when you realize that you really care about someone?" said Noah. "I didn't, until now."

"That is so beautiful!" said Owen, wiping away a tear.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Okay, so maybe Noah isn't such a terrible person after all," admitted Emma.

"Nicest thing she's ever said," boasted Kitty.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Kelly and Taylor were arguing again. "Mom! Wipe faster!" exclaimed Taylor.

"Yelling won't help, sweetie!" Kelly said through clenched teeth.

"Uh, I yell at the maid all the time and she cleans faster," replied unfazed Taylor. "I know what I'm doing."

A helicopter brought the half-busted tennis bot back up to the court. This time when it fired a ball, it fired very weakly. The ball shot half the distance it did before, and fell on the floor of the court.

"See?" Laurie said to her friends, "What did I tell you?"

Miles smiled awkwardly. "Impressive, Laurie," she said, awed. "Now I think we can do it! Tom! Jen! It's time to win this!"

"Great!" said Jen, leaping into position. Another ball fired, and she hit it easily.

"Way to go, Jen!" Geoff shouted, "Smooth moves!"

Back down on the platform the Reality TV Pros and the Sisters were now sharing, they were in a sticky situation.

"It's nice that you saved us and all," said Emma, "But it's too bad we're now in a tie for last."

"Could you be more negative?" said Kitty indignantly.

"Technically, yes," said Noah, "She said we'd finish. We've only got one squeegee between us, and you guys lost your water."

"It's not over yet," said Owen suddenly, "I know how to win this! But you guys have got to agree to an alliance first!"

Everybody shrugged and said, "Okay."

"I will be our squeegee!" said Owen, taking off his XXXL Canada shirt and revealing his blubber and tan lines to them, and dumped the water on himself. Then he spread the front of his body across the window.

They suddenly understood what he had in mind.

"Let 'er drop!" he shouted with enthusiasm.

They did.

By doing this trick, they managed to outrun all the other teams, including Jacques and Josee, who were close to the ground. Upon landing, Owen's chest, stomach, and double chin looked a little red, but otherwise he felt just fine.

He put his shirt back on and said, "I feel like I just took a roller coaster ride through a car wash!"

Emma grabbed the next tip from the Don Box. "It says we have to race to the Gold Souk," she read. "The what?"

Cut to Don standing in front of a very fancy shopping mall. "The Gold Souk," he narrated, "Just a normal plaza, where everything is made of gold. To reach the Chill Zone here, teams must travel in taxis, some of which are gold." He noticed a well-dressed Arabic man passing by, wearing golden clothing and licking a golden lollipop. "They really like their gold here! As usual, the last team to arrive may be headed home."

The other teams now found it easier to hit the tennis balls, too. One by one, each team member clobbered a ball, and they were on their way. Soon, it was Carrie's turn again.

"Don't worry," said Devin, "It'll be just fine. Just ask yourself: What would Shelley do?"

Carrie frowned at him. "No! I'm not Shelley, and I never will be!" She stormed off.

Misunderstanding her anger, Devin said, "Carrie, wait! Nobody is!"

At the bottom of the tower, Kelly was exhausted from wiping all the windows. "There. All done."

"About time, too," said Taylor rudely. Then she noticed some gunk on the toe of one of her boots.

"Ew! There's bird poop on my boot!" she complained.

Then, with no feeling in her soul at all, she callously wiped her boot off on Kelly's jacket. "There! All better!" she said with a satisfied smile.

Kelly was furious, of course. "DO NOT TREAT ME LIKE A DOORMAT!" she yelled.

But even that didn't move Taylor. She just said, "You were all sweaty and gross anyway. Why should we both suffer?"

Kelly did something drastic. She hit one of the levers, and the platform sprung upwards several floors, with Taylor dangling from it.

"Don't just stand there like an old mannequin! Help me!" Taylor insisted.

"No! This time, I'm giving you a time-out!" said Kelly.

"You can't do that! I'm your daughter!" objected Taylor.

"Well, I tried to tell you before, that's the way it works," said Kelly. "I won't help until you apologize!"

Taylor stared at her mother emotionlessly. "You're in for a long wait!"

At the Gold Souk, the Sisters and the Reality TV Pros were looking for the Chill Zone.

"Remember, guys, we're looking for a 'gold' Chill Zone," said Owen.

"Owen, everything here is made of gold," said Emma.

Noah pointed at one of the stores. "Look! They've even got dollar stores here."

Emma broke out into hysterical laughter.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I didn't get it," said Emma flatly.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Finally, they found the store the Chill Zone was located in.

"Ladies first," said Noah to the Sisters.

"Really?" said Emma, "I-Wow! I don't know what to say."

"Maybe just get in fast, before another team gets here," suggested Noah politely.

Emma and Kitty ran to the Carpet of Completion and stepped on it.

"Sisters," said Don, "You're in first place!"

"Yes!" said Emma, "We finally got it!"

"Hurray!" cried Kitty.

Noah and Owen stepped on the Carpet next.

"Owen, Noah, you're team number two!" said Don.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"It's not like this is the leg for the million dollars," said Noah. "I'm okay with being nice sometimes."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Soon afterward, the Ice Dancers arrived at the Chill Zone.

"Ice Dancers, congrats!" said Don, "You're in third!"

"Again!?" exclaimed Josee.

"Kidding, actually!" Don joked. "The Vegans got here third. That was way before you."

Laurie and Miles showed themselves nearby.

"We made good time after conquering the mad tennis bot," said Laurie. "We took one of the non-gold cabs. They're faster than the gold ones, apparently." She gave a serene smile.

"You mean… We're in fourth?!" Jacques cried. "We didn't make the podium at all?"

Don looked at them incredulously. "What podium? There is no podium."

"There is always a podium!" snarled Josee.

Then the female Ice Dancer proceeded to pick up random gold items and threw them around the store. The clerk had to duck behind his counter.

"Uh, Josee," said Miles timidly, "Don't you think you shouldn't be smashing things that belong to somebody else, particularly a different culture than-?"

Josee threw a gold paperweight at Miles' head. Miles screamed and ducked, and the paperweight shattered the lens of the camera.

After security brought Josee under control, more teams started to arrive.

Tom and Jen: "Fifth!"

Geoff and Brody: "Sixth!"

Dwayne and Junior: "Seventh!"

Crimson and Ennui: "Eighth!"

"Yay," said Crimson without enthusiasm.

"I don't think I'll ever understand you freaks," mumbled Don.

Sanders and MacArthur: "Ninth!"

Chet and Lorenzo: "Tenth!"

Rock and Spud: "Eleventh!"

"With almost all the teams having reached the Chill Zone," said Don, "Our final two teams are stuck in a rut. Whose apathy will prove stronger?"

Kelly walked back to her daughter from the Don Box. "Taylor, I'm about to show you what your attitude is doing to us."

Taylor sighed. "It's 'tude, Mom," she said, "Nobody says 'attitude' anymore. You can't even lecture right!"

Ignoring her daughter's remark, Kelly said, "I got a tip from the Don Box. Our next destination is a mall, full of gold! We could be shopping right now!" She started crying.

Taylor's eyes started watering. "I... I didn't know," she said in shock. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'm like, soooo sorry!"

"You really mean it?" asked Kelly hopefully.

"Well," Taylor thought for a moment, "Not for anything I did. Look; you're kinda lame, and most of the time, you just embarrass me. But, as long as you'll take me shopping, I can pretend you don't." She smiled.

"Aw! That's all I ever wanted!" said Kelly breathlessly. She then caught her daughter as she dropped down from the platform.

Up on the tennis court, Carrie was making her final attempt to hit the tennis ball, and this time, she succeeded in pulling off the same trick Laurie had earlier.

"The Gold Souk!" said Carrie.

"Hurry!" said Taylor.

In their taxi, Carrie said to Devin, "I hope we don't lose the race on account of my bad tennis skills."

"Don't worry," said Devin. "We'll be best friends with or without this race."

Carrie smiled.

"And when we go home, I'll ask Shelley's tennis instructor to give you a few tips," concluded Devin.

Carrie's smile faltered.

At the Chill Zone, Don mused, "I wonder how the Arabs got all their gold to begin with."

At that moment, Carrie and Devin ran into the store and stepped on the Carpet.

"Carrie, Devin, you're in last place," said Don.

The Best Friends gasped.

"My mistake!" Don grinned. "Here come Mother and Daughter now!"

Kelly and Taylor walked in, carrying several shopping bags.

"Woohoo!" said Carrie and Devin, and they left.

"Kelly, Taylor, I'm sorry," said Don, "You came in last. You're out of the race."

"Oh! I suppose we should've checked in before shopping!" said Kelly.

"We still had fun, Mom," said Taylor.

"Looks like the most conflicted team has made up its differences, only to lose the race right away afterwards," said Don. "Maybe next time, I can boot another team I don't like. Stay tuned for the next episode of… The Ridonculous Race!"

 _Cut to footage of Kelly and Taylor racing around the world._

 _"I hope I never see another camel," said Kelly, "But I loved Paris! I can't believe how good your drawing was!"_

 _"Yeah!" said Taylor, "I can't believe your upper body strength! I've gotta see your trainer like… yesterday!"_

 _"It's funny," said Kelly, "We came on this race to get more money, but I think we got something we really needed instead."_

 _As they called over a cab to go home, Taylor said, "Speaking of which, if we're going to shop more, I'll need you to up my allowance."_

 _As they got in the cab, Kelly said with conviction, "Oh, Taylor, I'm cancelling your allowance!"_

 _The cab drove to the airport._

 _"Wait. What?"_

 **1st place: Emma & Kitty  
** **2nd place: Noah & Owen  
** **3rd place: Laurie & Miles  
** **4th place: Josee & Jacques  
** **5th place: Tom & Jen  
** **6th place: Geoff & Brody  
** **7th place: Dwayne & Junior  
** **8th place: Crimson & Ennui  
** **9th place: Sanders & MacArthur  
** **10th place: Chet & Lorenzo  
** **11th place: Rock & Spud  
** **12th place: Carrie & Devin** **  
**

 **ELIMINATED:**

 **13th place: Kelly & Taylor  
** **14th place: Ryan & Stephanie  
** **15th place: Jay & Mickey  
** **16th place: Ellody & Mary  
** **17th place: Gerry & Pete  
** **18th place: Leonard & Tammy** **  
**

* * *

 **A/N: Kelly and Taylor were eliminated in the same place they were eliminated in canon because I couldn't think of a lot of original stuff to do with them had they stayed in the race longer. Besides, they're not one of the more popular teams, and Taylor can be downright annoying, because her spoiled personality is only semi-amusing most of the time.**

 **Anticipate the next chapter. One of the Vegans, as well as the other teams, is going to have to eat meat again. See how she deals with it when I post the next chapter. Plus, one of the racers is going to reveal a guilty pleasure that didn't figure much in canon.**


	6. New Beijinging

**Episode 10: New Beijinging**

 _Last time, on The Ridonculous Race…_

 _"We struck emotional gold in Dubai. Carrie gave up on the 'Game of Love.' A short lived conflict arose between Father and Mother, in which well-meaning Dwayne implied that Kelly's daughter Taylor might have been born rotten. Pretty rude, don't you think? Yeah, maybe, but also not far from the truth! And later, Kelly finally gave Taylor a time out, which cost them the Race. But hey, a healthy relationship with your daughter's worth a million bucks. Or is it? Laurie really showed the tennis bot who's boss, and finally, a new alliance was born, between the Sisters and the Reality TV Pros. Is it more than just an alliance? Your guess is as good as mine. But mine matters more, because I'm on TV! This is… The Ridonculous Race!"_

 **(The opening titles roll)**

* * *

"It's time to say bye-bye to Dubai," announced Don within the Gold Souk. "Yesterday's winners, the Sisters, are about to read their first travel tip."

Kitty took the tip and read, "Fly to your next destination at the World Famous Birds Nest Stadium. Never heard of it!"

A picture was shown of the Birds Nest Stadium in China.

"Well, it's right here," narrated Don, "In Beijing, China, home to 25,000,000 people. Oddly enough, we'll see none of them! Well, almost none of them!"

Cut to teams getting in taxis and going back to the airport. Owen was briefly left behind by accident and shouted, "Hey!"

"The first eight teams are collecting their travel tips, getting in taxis and are now headed to the airport," continued Don, "and are now on the first flight to Beijing. The stragglers on flight two have some extra time to talk strategy."

Carrie and Devin were sitting together in the second plane. Devin was having a snooze in the window seat.

Carrie smiled at him with delight. "Watching Devin sleep is so adorable," she said to the camera, "He sometimes mumbles the sweetest things!"

As Devin slept, he mumbled, "Rainbow zebras took my wallet…"

Carrie chuckled. "I said, sometimes."

Nearby, Rock was looking eagerly at an open bag of peanuts on Devin's folding tray table. He edged up to Carrie and asked, "Hey! Carrie! You gonna make a move on that?" He pointed at the bag of peanuts.

Carrie, however, thought he meant Devin, and replied, "Well, Devin and I are friends."

"I know," said Rock, "But this opportunity isn't gonna last forever." He tried reaching for the bag.

Carrie excitedly stopped his arm. "Oh! Why didn't I think of that? The whole reason I'm on this race with Devin is to show him that we have a connection. Something special!"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Agh! I just wanted the peanuts!" Rock sighed.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Oh, why didn't I tell Devin that I love him in Hawaii?" Carrie mused. "I'm going to be alone forever!" She wept. "Then again, when I'm forced to think about it, I'd rather let him have a life with Shelley than not be in my life at all!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Just then, Devin abruptly woke up. He looked at Carrie and said, "Oh, thank goodness, you're okay! I dreamed that we lived together in a treehouse and it caught fire and-"

"Just you and me?" Carrie exclaimed. "Living together?"

"Yeah! Well," said Devin, "I was a three-headed tiger, and you were a monkey in a tuxedo, but it was us. Weird!" He immediately went back to sleep.

Carrie was surprised by his statement about them being bizarre-looking animals, but then she said, "We…lived together!"

She squealed with delight again.

Spud was listening absent-mindedly to some rock music on his headphones. Rock walked over to him.

"I know our strategy is slow and steady, but-" said Rock.

"Isn't it our strategy to party on?" suggested Spud.

Rock imitated a game show buzzer. "But we need a new strategy, like-"

"How about, 'party on harder'?" said Spud with enthusiasm.

"Spud! We've gotta go faster, like…" He imitated the firing of a bullet.

"Okay," said Spud, "I'll tell the pilot!" He got up and rushed toward the cockpit.

"No, wait! Spud!" Rock shouted after him, but it was no use.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Obviously, making a new strategy isn't getting through to Spud," said Rock, pointing at his friend. "But I'm starting to think we're too easygoing. I've gotta find a way to motivate this guy!"

Spud just kept listening to his music.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

In Dwayne and Junior's section of the plane, Dwayne looked like he was a bit disappointed.

"We could've been on the first plane, but somebody had to go potty at the airport," he said, looking at Junior. "And that someone hasn't been eating enough vegetables lately, so that someone had a little trouble moving his-"

"Stop making it sound like it was me!" objected Junior angrily. He gestured at his dad and said, "It was him!"

Dwayne grinned and chuckled, not exactly denying the claim.

Cut to Beijing where the teams from flight one were in a shuttle bus going to the next Don Box.

"Thanks for letting us take the win yesterday," said Kitty.

"Any time, Kitty," said Noah.

"Just don't expect us to return the favor," said Emma, "We're in an alliance, but this is still a competition."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Yup! She's awesome," said Noah dreamily.

"Noah and Emma sittin' in a tree," chanted Owen, "K-I-S-"

Noah slapped him in the gut.

"Ow!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"You like him, don't you?" Kitty asked Emma.

"Noah? I do not like him!" Emma replied.

"Why not? Because he's weird-looking?" Kitty asked.

"Noah isn't weird-looking!" replied Emma, "He's totally hot!"

"So, it's 'cause he's boring?" suggested Kitty.

"He is not boring! He's the most exciting, cutest guy I've ever-" Emma was shocked. "Oh no. I LIKE HIM!"

Kitty grinned.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The shuttle bus reached its destination and accidentally crashed into the Don Box, which went flying.

"Found the Don Box!" exclaimed Kitty.

The broken Don Box was rapidly spitting out all its tips. Kitty grabbed one.

"Fly over the Birds Nest Stadium and tandem jump through the Doughnut Hole to receive your next tip."

"Ooh, doughnuts!" said Owen, eager to eat some tasty pastries.

But when they got to the stadium and into a little plane, the Doughnut Hole turned out to be the open roof of the stadium, shaped like a doughnut.

"That's the doughnut? How disappointing…" Owen lamented.

"Oh, don't take it so hard, Owen," said Laurie, "Food isn't everything. You know, you could stand to lose a little weight."

"Make that a lot of weight!" Tom muttered aside to Jen. "Where did he get such huge clothing, anyway?"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"When are we gonna have another eating challenge?" said Owen, "Laurie may not have to eat a lot, but I sure do. I'm so hungry I could eat a house made of doughnuts, with chocolate shingles and a pretzel fence!"

"This is my life, every day," said Noah dryly.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Josee kissed her lava rock again.

"I need all the luck this Hawaiian lava rock can give me," she said. "Nothing can stop us now!"

The Reality TV Pros and the Sisters jumped out of their plane first. A gust of wind blew at them and they were blown off course. The Pros landed and smashed a rickshaw, while the Sisters rammed face-first into a gong.

Most of the other teams had an easier time landing safely. The Vegans landed gracefully, as did the Fashion Bloggers. The Surfer Dudes landed safely, too, only to be trampled by the landing Stepbrothers, who were then trampled by the Goths, whose parachute fell over their bodies.

Jacques and Josee were doing their best, but the wind was taking them off course.

"Over there! Over there!" hollered Josee.

"I know, Josee-!" said Jacques, just before they hit a billboard. Jacques' head went through it.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

Jacques was still "wearing" a piece of the billboard.

"Yep," said Josee with a phony smile, "That's Jacques for you. Always trailing behind."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The sister and the Reality TV Pros were looking a little messed up when they ran back to try the skydive again.

"This time, less screaming, more steering!" said Emma.

"I'll do what I can, but no guarantees!" replied Kitty.

Before long, another shuttle bus arrived, and the other teams got off and ran to do the challenge. Rock was bringing up the rear, but he noticed Spud was still on the bus.

"Hey, Spud!" he shouted, "Want a Choco-Oinkie?" He held up and shook a box with a picture of a pig on it.

Spud got off the bus and smelled the treat, sniffing like a dog.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"New strategy," said Rock, "Spud loves Choco-Oinks!" He held a pork meat bite of some sort, coated in chocolate.

"Chocolate covered pork rindey goodness!" exclaimed Spud.

"So I cleaned out the airport vending machine. Spud'll do anything for a Choco-Oinkie!" explained Rock.

Spud suddenly bit Rock's entire hand. Rock screamed.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

The teams from flight one, minus the Sisters, the Pros, and the Ice Dancers, collected their next tips from the Don Box.

"It's an All-In," read Miles, She skimmed it and suddenly screamed, "Wha-WHAT? NOT AGAIN!?"

"Yes again, my distressed little Vegans," said Don slyly, standing next to a street vendor, "An All-In with a twist. Teams must head to this street vendor and one member of each time must assemble and deep fry a skewer of Beijing street food, which consists of such animals as starfish, bats, scorpions, snakes, and yes, worms. And their partner has to eat it. Fortunately, teams have the option of washing it down with a long-lasting, but not indefinite, supply of Future Cola, one of the most popular soft drinks in China. Assuming, of course, that they can keep the food down in the first place, because if they barf the street food, the cola goes with it!" He chortled.

"MORE MEAT?!" shrieked Miles, briefly drawing the attention of the other teams, "I can't take it!"

"I don't believe it!" yelled Laurie angrily. "I'm so gonna sue the producers of this show after we win the million!"

"But how are we going to win at this rate," asked Miles, "if Don keeps giving us meat-based eating challenges? I swear we're going to die of food poisoning, and shame, too."

"I'm afraid we have no choice," said Laurie, "It's either take our chances with the meat, or we're out of the race."

"Laurie?" asked Miles, "I don't understand how you can agree to this challenge so quickly. We're vegans. We're supposed to be against eating meat, at all costs."

"I am, Miles!" said Laurie, "I am. It's just that…well…"

Miles raised an eyebrow. "Is there something you're not telling me, Laurie?"

"Um…well, you see…" Laurie stuttered.

"Laurie?" insisted Miles.

Laurie finally spilled the beans. "Miles, sometimes I've been eating meat behind your back. I know, I don't always practice what I preach, but I just can't resist the smell and flavor of bacon and eggs in the morning, or chicken and fries in the evening, and I, uh…"

This time, Miles exploded. "All your passionate devotion to respecting the animal kingdom was AN ACT?!" she yelled. "You HYPOCRITE!"

"It wasn't exactly an act, Miles," Laurie hastily tried to explain, but Miles cut her off.

"You are such a liar! I can't believe I actually thought you were nice to animals!" Miles glared at her.

"Miles!" Laurie said, "We're still in the middle of a race! Don't you think we should get going now, instead of standing here and quarreling?"

Miles growled. "Fine! But whether we win or not, when we get home, I am so taking all the money for myself, because I don't think you deserve it!"

"Hey! That's not fair," said Laurie.

Miles ignored this. "And when we get to the vendor, you can eat the revolting meat, seeing as you love it so much. As much as it breaks my heart to do it, I'll skewer it!"

"Okay, okay! Suits me fine," said Laurie.

"I know," said Miles sarcastically.

"Hey, dudettes, if you don't mind me butting in," said Geoff from off to the side, "Aren't you gonna get going? The other teams have left, and others are starting to catch up."

"Oh, crap!" said Laurie, "Let's move it, Miles!"

"You don't tell me what to do, liar!" yelled Miles.

Soon, the teams in the team reached the vendor. Geoff and Brody were the first to inquire about the food.

"So what's good today, lady dude?" Brody asked the old woman who ran the vendor. "Are the crickets fresh?"

The woman held up a live cricket, and it seemed to wink at Brody.

Miles cringed at the food. Laurie turned up her nose and asked the woman, "Can I have some ketchup with this?"

The old woman shook her head. Miles glared at Laurie.

"All right, then," said Laurie, "Just keep the cola coming while I eat."

The woman gave her a thumbs up.

Crimson and Ennui noticed a crate full of live bats. Crimson opened it and released the bats.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Bats are the most beautiful creatures on Earth," said Crimson, "I had to set them free."

"They're like angels of death," said Ennui.

"Corvids are the second most beautiful creatures, by the way," said Crimson, "because crows and ravens eat dark carrion."

"How poetic," said Ennui.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Back at the stadium, Josee and Jacques managed to land on the ground this time, but something happened to Jacques' ankle in the process.

"Ah! My ankle!" he cried, hopping about and clutching his foot.

Josee looked disgusted. "Why is Jacques so clumsy today? Don't give him any sympathy. It'll just encourage him."

She ran over to Jacques and chided him, "Snap out of it! This is a competition. Our fans are watching! EAT THE PAIN! And smile."

She grinned and waved at the camera. Jacques bit the bullet and did as he was told, stumbling after Josee.

Carrie and Devin were next to land in the stadium.

"Woohoo! That was incredible!" cheered Carrie.

Devin fell over with a petrified expression on his face.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I'm not great with heights, or falling from them," said Devin. "But I'm so glad Carrie was there to help. Shelley? She would've totally blown it."

"Hey! What's that?" Carrie pointed off camera.

"What's what?" Devin asked, looking off camera. Carrie gave a joyful gesture to the camera.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Noah and Owen and Emma and Kitty were finally landing safely on the floor of the stadium.

"So, do you like movies-?" Noah asked Emma, but was cut off by Owen landing on top of him.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I so didn't mean to interrupt," Owen apologized, "I just landed on you by accident."

"Well, that's great," said Noah sarcastically, "Now I won't know if she likes movies."

"Everyone likes movies," offered Owen.

"I'm just trying to get to know her better," said Noah.

"What can I do to help?" asked Owen.

"Well, let's see," said Noah. "Oh, I know. Nothing!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

At the vendor, the teams were starting to skewer and eat their street food. Crimson was first to start eating.

"How is it?" asked Ennui.

"A little tasteless," said Crimson.

Miles looked inside a box. She wept. "I'm so sorry I have to do this to you poor little things."

A snake popped out of the box and coiled around her neck. Miles cried out.

Tom tried to skewer some spiders, but they yanked him inside the box and shot spider webs around him.

Lorenzo was doing the eating for his team, and he looked disgusted. Chet grinned at him.

"How's it feel to be on the receiving end of sloppy food for a change?" Chet mocked Lorenzo.

Lorenzo responded by puking in Chet's face. Then he hurried to get some cola.

Dwayne and Junior had just arrived at the vendor, and were fleeing in fear from the flock of bats Crimson had released.

Carrie and Devin came next, and Carrie felt queasy as she looked at the "food."

"I don't know if I can eat-" She held the content of her stomach in.

"Oh, it's all right," said Devin reasonably, "I'll eat it. You just skewer up some worms and-"

This time, Carrie didn't hold it in.

"I can't even say 'worms'?" Devin said. Carrie let it out again.

Carrie and Devin stood off to the side of the vendor. Carrie was holding a bucket, and she looked pale and a little green.

"When we were kids, Carrie's sister dared her to eat a worm," said Devin, covering Carrie's ears. "She did it, and then she vomited for six hours straight."

"Were you talking about…worms?" asked Carrie, after he uncovered her ears.

"Uh, yes," admitted Devin.

Carrie vomited into the bucket.

"Guess I should've lied and said 'no'," Devin mused.

Miles wiped away her tears and marched over to Laurie with the skewered food, which she had just finished deep frying.

"Uh," said Laurie, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea, after all."

"You don't say 'no' to this challenge, liar!" snapped Miles. "Here; turn over, and eat!"

"Where's the Future Cola?" Laurie inquired.

"You can get that yourself," Miles said.

Dwayne was trying to skewer a scorpion, and was having a lot of difficulty.

"Come on, hold still!" he said, "You sneaky little rascals! Yeah, maybe I'll just take one!" He reached into the box to grab one, but the old woman stopped him and gave him a warning finger.

He laughed. "Don't you worry about me," he said confidently, "I'll be quick as a panther." He reached in again, but this time, the scorpions ganged up on him and clutched his hand, all of them stinging it at once.

The old woman smiled at him for getting what he deserved.

"Yow! Yowwwweeeeeeeee! Yowweeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" he shrieked, "Yeow! Yeow! Yeow!" He waved his hand fast in the air, and the scorpions went flying in all directions.

Jen was forced to duck just in time as one came her way.

Laurie realized another one was sitting on her Rasta. She quickly took it off and threw it on the ground, screaming, proceeding to squash the scorpion before it could sting her.

Miles frowned with a mix of anger and satisfaction. "Looks like the goddess of karma just found you."

A third scorpion hit Jacques square in the face and stuck there. He screamed girlishly and begged Josee to kill it.

"Hold still!" said Josee, pounding the scorpion, trying to crush it, and bruising Jacques' face repeatedly in the process.

Back at the stadium, Rock and Spud were the last team to reach the Don Box.

"We did it!" cheered Spud. "Oink me!"

"Not until we're out of last place!" Rock disagreed.

"Aw, come on," begged Spud.

"Oh, all right," Rock said. He threw a Choco-Oink in the opposite direction they were supposed to go. "Go get it!"

Spud raced after it.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"My mom says I'm a light eater," said Spud, "When the lights go on, I start eating!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"How does it taste?" Miles asked Laurie sarcastically.

"Mmm," said Laurie, "Like fried green beans."

"You're not saying that just to get on my good side, are you?" Miles asked.

"Mmm, no," said Laurie, "Fried chicken tastes much better than this." She downed a bit of cola.

Off to the side, Miles said to the camera, "Yup. I never thought I'd say this about my best friend, but… I have Ms. Pac-Man for a fellow vegan crusader."

She glanced off to the side as Junior passed them by with Dwayne. Junior was looking at his dad with concern. Dwayne's hand, especially his fingers, looked as if they had turned into cheese puffs, after being stung by all those scorpions.

"Uh, dad, are you okay?" Junior asked him.

Delirious Dwayne replied, "Oh, of course I am, Mr. President. Did you?" He promptly fell over. Then he got up and giggled manically. Evidently, the pain caused him to drift off into la-la land.

"Uh, is your dad okay, Junior?" Miles asked kindly.

"Oh, Miles!" he greeted her, "Yeah, he'll be fine, eventually. The medic says the pain and swelling will wear off after a while. But we can't just wait around, or we'll be eliminated. Looks like I'm in charge. Again."

"I know what that's like," admitted Miles, "I have to take charge of my team's cause, because Laurie here just turned out to be an imposter vegan. The cause to save animals has no room for hypocrites."

"Really? I'm sorry to hear that," said Junior, "I'm not a vegan myself, but I like it when people are more honest about themselves. Although that sometimes bothers me when it comes to my dad, who treats me like a kid, even as I'm starting puberty."

"Glad to hear you don't pretend to be something you're not," said Miles with a smile. "Good luck with eating the food."

"Thanks!" said Junior.

She felt the skewer hit her in the back of the head. She turned around.

Laurie was already finished eating.

"You ate it so fast?" Miles demanded.

"Want proof?" Laurie replied.

"No! No!" said Miles with her hands up. "I just want to get on with this race and away from this ugly snack vendor!"

The old woman glared at her. Miles smiled sheepishly back.

"Let's go!" said Laurie.

"You don't say that," said Miles, "I say that!"

Junior watched them go sadly. "I feel kinda sorry for them. They're some of the nicest girls on the race." He then noticed his dad had gone wandering off.

"Hey! Come back here!" he shouted, giving chase.

Josee finished preparing her skewer of street food and walked over to Jacques, who looked more than a little stunned by Josee's fists. The scorpion sat dead on top of his head, split in two.

"How do you feel?" Josee asked him.

"I can't feel my face," mumbled Jacques.

"Good! This shouldn't take long, then!" said Josee. She shoved all the skewered food into Jacques' mouth and made him exercise his jaws to chew and swallow it by clutching him by the hair, though not before brushing away the scorpion carcass.

The old vendor gave them thumbs up and handed over the next travel tip. While Jacques ran about, trying not to choke on the hot meat, Josee read:

"It's a Botch-or-Watch. Whoever didn't dive for rings in Hawaii-"

"-Must pull their partner in one of these rickshaws to the Great Wall of China, using only this rudimentary map found within each rickshaw," narrated Don. From there it's a foot race to the Chill Zone and the Carpet of Completion. The last team to arrive and check in could be checking out!"

"We're first!" exclaimed Josee, "Let's go for it, Jacques!"

He got up and they started to run.

"Not for long, Josee!" said Laurie. "We're gonna eat you alive before you get halfway there!"

"Speak for yourself!" snapped Miles.

"Oh, I don't think so," said Josee, grinning evilly, "We still have our lucky lava rock!"

"Luck won't save you from karma!" Laurie countered.

"How ironic," remarked Miles.

"Hey, you're not beating us either, ice freaks!" shouted MacArthur. "Come on, Sanders! We're done, let's go!"

"Coming," said Sanders.

Geoff and Brody were also ready to leave.

"Let's get going, dude," said Geoff.

"You got it, bro," said Brody.

Devin was looking a little nervous, especially since Carrie still didn't have the stomach to skewer the live animals.

"Four teams are ahead of us," said Devin to Carrie, "You need to start skewering if-"

Carrie ran off-screen and puked, again.

"Man, even the word 'skewer' makes her lose her lunch," lamented Devin.

Carrie did it again.

The Reality TV Pros and the Sisters had just arrived.

"I prep, you eat," said Emma to Kitty. "Got it?"

"Is that a question?" asked Kitty.

"No," replied Emma.

Taking an interest in Emma's forceful way of inspiring Kitty to do challenges, Noah turned to Owen and said sternly, "You prep, I eat. Not a question. Go!"

Owen looked surprised, but did as he was told.

"Wow!" said Emma suddenly to Noah.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I figured that if I act just like Emma, she'll see that we make a great couple," said Noah. "I've got this all figured out."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Emma continued, "Could you be any meaner to your partner? What's wrong with you?"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Why is it so hard to get her to notice me?" Noah asked helplessly.

"It's really simple, Noah," said Owen, "You've just gotta do a little trick that everybody should know, and that is this: 'Be subtle.'"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

As they deep fried their skewers, Owen whispered to Emma, "Noah likes you."

Emma replied by whispering uneasily, "I don't care."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Why?!" Kitty demanded to know.

"I don't know," said Emma with her head in her hands.

"Work with me, Emma! Work with me!" insisted Kitty.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Carrie was cringing at a snake in a box, until she noticed that the way it coiled and curved its body was almost shaped like a heart.

"Aw," she said to Devin, "Look, Devin. It must be a sign!"

Devin peered into the box, but the snake sprang out of it and grabbed Devin's face with its jaws.

Meanwhile, Rock and Spud had finally arrived at the vendor, and Spud was elected to skewer the food. At this moment, he was trying to stick it through a starfish, but he was trying to skewer it by its arms rather than through the center, so it kept moving its arms out of his aim.

"I'll bet if I had that many arms, I could play guitar, drums and bass, all at the same time!" said Spud.

"Man, hurry up!" said Rock impatiently.

"I think a Choco-Oink would help me pick up the pace," said Spud eagerly.

"Really?" said Rock, "One of these?" He held up a Choco-Oink above Spud's face. "I sure hope there's some left, when we're not in last place!"

He crushed the Choco-Oink and dropped the crumbs on the ground.

"Aahhhhh! You can't do that!" yelled Spud.

"Do what?" asked Rock.

Spud proceeded to eat the crumbs off the ground.

Josee was running along at a very fast pace while pulling Jacques in their rickshaw.

"First place!" shouted Jacques, as they approached the Great Wall, "Here we come!"

Then Josee slipped on a banana peel, literally, and fell over. The rickshaw came to an abrupt halt as the front of it sank and stuck in the ground, and it catapulted Jacques into the air. He screamed as he went flying through the air and on top of the Wall.

"Ow! My ankle!" he squealed as he landed.

Noah noticed that Kitty was eating her street food with surprising ease. He risked putting all of it into his mouth at once, and soon it started to burn the inside of his mouth.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" he complained, spitting little bits of the food around.

"I know it's a race," said Emma, who was approaching him again, "but don't be gross!"

Noah tried to say something indecipherable, and got some food all over Emma's face.

"I'm so sorry!" Noah apologized in a mush mouth voice.

Emma suddenly felt sick, and rushed to the nearest open container she could find to throw up in it. Noah and the others heard Carrie protest, "That's my bucket!"

"Owen! Get me a cold soda!" Noah begged his partner.

Owen was busy drinking his second Future Cola.

"That's for me! Not you!" yelled Noah, food still flying.

"Oh! Sorry, pal," said Owen, "I think there's enough soda left."

Kitty looked at Noah and commented, "Dude, you are so bad at this!"

Noah looked dejected.

Miles was running like heck to the Great Wall as she pulled her rickshaw. Laurie was getting shaken about and rickshaw-sick as she rode it.

"Miles! Slow down!" she pleaded, "My stomach can't take a ride this wild!"

"We have to get to the Chill Zone ASAP, Laurie!" Miles informed her, "I'm still in this for something good, and you could use a little roughness in your life after betraying me!"

Laurie puked on the back of Miles' head. Miles squinted and hissed, but didn't stop, slow down, or look back.

The Police Cadets and the Surfer Dudes were hurrying up the steps of the Great Wall. Once they were on the roof, they noticed that there were obviously two ways to go.

"Which way?" inquired Geoff. "Should we split up?"

"Good idea!" said Brody, "I'll go with MacArthur!" He put his arm around the larger cadet.

"No, dude," said Geoff, "I mean, one team goes right, and the other team goes left."

In the end, though, both teams ran in the same direction, to their left.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"It's not my fault Brody's crushing on me," said MacArthur, "Doctors say my pheromones are stronger than a jet engine built by grizzly bears!"

"What?" said Sanders, "That doesn't even make sense!"

MacArthur scoffed. "Right! Because you're a bear expert!" She smiled smugly.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Jacques and Josee were soon at the top of the Wall, too.

"Which way do we go?" asked Josee.

"This map is useless!" complained Jacques, looking at their very vague map provided to them by Don.

Josee had an idea. "I'll let luck decide!" She brushed the map with her lava rock, and let it fly away in the wind. The map flew to their left. They quickly followed.

Unfortunately, they didn't notice that soon, the map flew in the other direction.

"Three more teams have finished the eating challenge," said Don, while footage of the Fashion Bloggers, the Stepbrothers, and Father/Son grabbing their next tip was shown, "leaving our remaining two skewered-up teams." Footage was shown of the Best Friends and the Rockers, still at the vendor.

Devin was politely getting tired of watching Carrie cringe and vomit every time she tried to skewer the little beasts. He took the skewer from her and said, "Step aside, barfie, I'm cooking."

"But I can't do the ea- eat- eating!" stammered Carrie.

"Have faith, homie, have faith!" said Devin, as he went to the deep fryer. Carrie threw up once more.

While she held the bucket, Carrie said, "But it's not chicken."

"It doesn't matter," said Devin, "Say it over and over. Make your mind believe it's chicken."

"Okay," said Carrie, forcing a smile, "It's chicken. It's chicken. It's chicken. It's chicken." She dropped the bucket.

Devin brought her the deep fried food.

"It's chicken! It's chicken! It's chicken!" she said, feigning excitement.

"That's right," said Devin, handing her the food, "Now taste the chicken!"

Spud handed Rock his own skewer and asked, "Now can I have Choco-Oink?"

"No, dude," said Rock, taking the food, "We're still in last!"

The food seemed to twitch, as if it was still alive. Rock had to hold it in.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I once ate deep fried tofu," said Rock. "I was all (blech), but this was like…" He started making weird clicking sounds.

Spud grinned.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Emma was pulling one of the rickshaws, with Kitty sitting in it.

"But you like him!" said Kitty, in reference to Noah, "So why are you shooting him down?"

"It's a competition!" Emma replied, "Relationships just mess things up!"

Kitty took a picture of Emma's face. "Or they make them better!" She grinned coyly and took a selfie with Emma.

"That's just it!" Emma continued to object, "You never know! I'm here to win! There will be no relationships!"

Just then, their right wheel came off the rickshaw after bouncing over a rock, and the rickshaw toppled over on its side.

Owen was running with his and Noah's rickshaw, and unintentionally crushed the broken wheel as he trampled it.

"Our wheel!" said Kitty.

"It's destroyed!" said Emma. "We're going to be eliminated!"

Owen caught up to them and stopped. "Hey! You guys need a hand?"

Noah walked over to Emma and said, "Hi, Emma. Act normal!"

Emma looked at him funny.

"That part wasn't supposed to be out loud," said Noah guiltily, "I was talking to myself. Sorry. How could this get more awkward? Also to myself!" he said hastily.

"Please stop!" implored Emma.

"Okay," said Noah.

On the Great Wall, Laurie and Miles were wondering which way to go.

"Let's go right," said Laurie.

"How do you know where to go?" asked Miles.

"I don't," said Laurie, "I'm just tired of arguing for one day. Come on!"

"About time we both agreed on something," remarked Miles as they ran.

In the other direction, the Cadets and the Surfers were starting to think they were going the wrong way, and turned around, running back the way they came.

On the path to the Wall, Emma and Owen were pulling their rickshaws again. Kitty sat in hers, while Noah was holding up the side of it without a wheel from his own seat. He had never felt more awkward in his life, not to mention more pain in his hand.

"How are you doing, Noah?" asked Emma.

"Oh, I'm fine!" Noah lied.

"Isn't that painful?" asked Kitty, meaning his hand.

"Yes, it does," admitted Noah, "But…Emma's very pretty!"

Despite herself, Emma couldn't help but smile at the compliment.

At about this moment, the first team had reached the Chill Zone.

Don smiled. "I hope this doesn't affect your feelings for each other," he said. "First place!"

Laurie cheered. Miles said a less enthusiastic "Woohoo!"

"Miles, you're still running this race with the best of intentions," said Laurie. "Why can't you be more cheerful?"

"I'll cheer when you stop pretending you're something you're not," said Miles quietly.

"Hmm," said Don, "A vegan and an imposter vegan. Maybe I should consider a new name for your team." He winked.

Laurie and Miles looked at each other nervously.

Emma and Kitty and Noah and Owen were on the Wall now. Kitty took another selfie.

"How's your hand?" Emma asked Noah.

"It's fine," he replied. "This one, not so much." He held up his left hand, which now looked like a baseball mitt.

"Oh," said Emma, rubbing it gently, "Here; does this feel any better?"

"It's…really quite painful," said Noah, "But don't stop!"

They looked into each other's eyes dreamily, feeling each other's empathy. Then Noah said, "Oops! Was that out loud?"

"You didn't say anything," said Kitty reassuringly.

The Ice Dancers were still running to the left, when they suddenly saw the Police Cadets and the Surfer Dudes running their way from the opposite direction.

"If they're coming towards us, then we're going the wrong way!" exclaimed Josee. They turned around and attempted to outrun the other two teams to the Chill Zone.

Junior was feeling dismayed when he and his father got to the rickshaw.

"Aw, my dad has to pull the rickshaw?" he groaned.

Dwayne's pants were down around his ankles and he was still in a delirious la-la land. "No problem, Santa!" he said with a stupid grin, "I'll pull your sleigh! Ahh! Where are my legs?!"

Junior sighed.

Rock had just put a wheel on a broken rickshaw. "There! That should hold it until-"

He turned around and saw that Spud was holding the box of Choco-Oinks and chowing down on them all.

"Seriously, Spud?" Rock asked him, "Did you just scarf down all the Choco-Oinks?"

"I think so…" said a grinning Spud.

"Dude, I needed those to motivate you!" said Rock.

"So? I ate all of them? Done," said Spud, tossing away the box.

"That's a bad, bad Spud!" Rock chided him.

"Hey!" exclaimed Spud, "You wanna crash this sugar high or rock it?" A manic grin formed on his face.

Soon, Spud was pulling the rickshaw very, very fast. Rock sprinted to catch up with him.

"Spud! I'm supposed to pull the-" Rock shouted.

"Choco-Oinks!" screamed Spud with delight.

At the Chill Zone, the Sisters and the Pros had just arrived at the same time.

"Only one team may come in second," said Don.

"Ladies first," said Noah.

Kitty was about to step on the Carpet of Completion, but Emma stopped her. "No," she said, "An alliance should be fair, and it's your turn to come in second."

"I like you…" said Noah.

Emma smiled and said, "Just get on the Carpet, you dork!"

Don counted the Pros second and the Sisters third.

Dwayne was pulling Junior in his rickshaw, after he had pulled his pants back up. "We almost finished delivering the presents?" he asked, still thinking he was with Saints Claus.

"Um, presents?" asked Junior, "Oh, right. Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Behind them, Devin was pulling a very sick looking Carrie along. Carrie clutched her stomach and moaned.

"That was not chicken!" she said quietly.

Spud passed by at lightning speed, with Rock clinging to the back of their rickshaw. "I LOVE CHOCO-OINKS!" screamed Spud.

Carrie moaned again.

At the Chill Zone, another team was getting royally pissed off, again.

"Fourth? AGAIN!?" shrieked Josee.

"Yes," said Don, "Fourth always comes after third. The numbers are sequential."

"When I want a math lesson, I'll go back to elementary school, thank you very much!" Josee snarled.

"You're welcome," said Don. "By the way, are you implying that you didn't make it to high, or junior high, school?"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"AAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Josee bellowed, throwing around things belonging to the camera crew. Jacques smiled fearfully.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

MacArthur and Sanders: "Fifth!"

Geoff and Brody: "Sixth!"

Chet and Lorenzo: "Seventh!"

Crimson and Ennui: "Eighth!"

Tom and Jen: "Ninth!"

Spud was racing ahead of the other two remaining teams. Suddenly, he slowed down and more or less stopped.

"Ugh, sugar crash…" he moaned, as Father/Son and the Best Friends raced ahead to reach the Chill Zone before them.

After Father/Son and the Best Friends checked in, Rock stepped on the Carpet of Completion, and Spud collapsed on it.

"Rockers, you're in last place," announced Don.

"Oh man," said Spud, "We were so close."

"If it makes you feel any better, you would've been penalized into last place, anyway," said Don. "Rock was supposed to pull the rickshaw."

"Told ya!" said Rock.

"I guess that makes me feel a little better," said Spud. "Sorry I blew it for us."

"Nah, it's my fault, dude," said Rock, "If I'm gonna use treats to train you like a dog, I can't be surprised when you go all nuts, and trash the kitchen, and poop in my shoes."

"Man, I promise never to do that last one," said Spud.

"Well, that makes the Race more pleasant," said Don, "'cause this is a non-elimination round! You're still in the Race!"

The Rockers cheered and air guitared. "Victory!" sang Spud.

"Not really a victory," said Don philosophically, "Who will be next to go? Probably them, but there's only one way to be sure. Tune in for the next episode of… The Ridonculous Race!"

 **1st place: Laurie & Miles  
** **2nd place: Noah & Owen  
** **3rd place: Emma & Kitty  
** **4th place: Josee & Jacques  
** **5th place: MacArthur & Sanders  
** **6th place: Geoff & Brody  
** **7th place: Chet & Lorenzo  
** **8th place: Crimson & Ennui  
** **9th place: Tom & Jen  
** **10th place: Carrie & Devin  
** **11th place: Dwayne & Junior** **  
**

 **NON-ELIMINATION:**

 **12th place: Rock & Spud**

 **ELIMINATED:**

 **13th place: Kelly & Taylor  
** **14th place: Stephanie & Ryan  
** **15th place: Jay & Mickey  
** **16th place: Ellody & Mary  
** **17th place: Gerry & Pete  
** **18th place: Leonard & Tammy** **  
**


	7. I Love Ridonc and Roll

**Episode 11: I Love Ridonc and Roll**

 _Last time, on The Ridonculous Race…_

 _"Our teams got skewered in China! And while they say that love conquers all, a team's hate, or at least outrage, is very effective, too. The Vegans, who have become Fakers, were forced to deal with meat again, and split apart their friendship over this oh-so touchy issue! Their only consolation is that they came in first again, and are still running strong in the Race. On a more positive note, the Sisters and the Reality TV Pros' alliance is still going strong. Rock tried to motivate his bud Spud like a dog with Choco-Oink treats, with mixed success, and they came in last, again. But again, they were saved by a non-elimination round, so they live to fail another day! These twelve proud teams remain, and it's time to send one of them packing. This is… The Ridonculous Race!"_

 **(The opening titles roll)**

* * *

Cut to Don standing atop the Great Wall of China next to a Don Box.

"Last leg's Chill Zone sits on top of the Great Wall of China," announced Don, "And last episode's winners are the first to grab a tip."

Laurie and Miles stepped up to the Don Box. Laurie grabbed the tip, but Miles snatched it out of her hand.

"Touchy!" Laurie said sarcastically, "Are you going to at least tell me what it says?"

"Depends," said Miles, "Are you going to let me read it?"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I still intend to win this Race," said Laurie, "Maybe I am a big liar about my veganism, but that doesn't mean I don't care about animals after all. Besides, Miles ate meat in Iceland, too, so she can't call herself completely innocent, either."

"Very nice, Laurie," retorted Miles, "Thanks to you and that scoundrel, Don, they're now changing our Race name from the Vegans to the Fakers. How do you think our friends and families back home are taking all of this phony crap we displayed?"

"Well, look at it this way then, Miles," said Laurie, "Let's be as 'fake' as we can possibly be, and maybe our 'fakeness' can help us win the Race and still contribute to our causes."

"Who will accept the money from us if we're fakers?" demanded Miles, "Nobody will accept a donation from liars! We've gotta come clean before we win the Race and pay for Save the Humpback Walrus, or at least before we're eliminated!"

"If we can't come clean, then we might as well go to Catholic confession and confess our sins and hope the Lord at least doesn't hold it against us," said Laurie. "But at least I admitted to my false veganism, while you continue to act like you never ate meat. And God doesn't love liars."

Miles huffed in fury.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Miles and other team members are seen reading the first tip. "Fly to Oulu, Finland."

A picture of a Finnish flag and photos of Finland are shown.

"Finland," narrated Don, "Home to countless coffee drinkers, cell phone users, and the most saunas per capita. Which is where the teams are headed. Once they arrive, they're to travel by taxi to this spa, and enter the saunas in its back yard. Why suffer in the cold, when you can suffer in the heat?"

While saying this last, Don is seen sitting inside a sauna with a bear, wearing a towel.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Finland is a paradise," said Ennui.

"They have four months of almost total darkness up there," said Crimson, "And Goth music is mainstream."

Ennui showed a picture of a crazy-looking Goth metal band singer on his cell phone.

"This guy ran for office, and won," claimed Ennui.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Teams were trying to wave down taxis in one massive group, but weren't having much success.

Spud took off his shirt and waved it in the air, while hollering, "TAAAAXIIIII!" As a result, he and Rock got the first cab.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Rock asked me to step up my game on account of how I tank everything," said Spud.

"I was like, 'Dude,' and he was all like, 'Dude,' and then I was like, 'Dude,' and then he was all, 'Dude!'" said Rock.

"That's exactly how it went down," said Spud with a grin.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Take us to the airport," said Rock to the taxi driver.

"Hey! Anybody wanna lift!" Spud shouted.

Moments later, the Goths, the Police Cadets, and the Vegans/Fakers had joined them in the cab, and they were on their way.

"So," said Rock to the other teams in the cab, "now that we've given ya all a lift, maybe we can have a 'ba'yow' alliance, or something, you know?"

"No," said the Goths flatly.

"No way," said MacArthur.

"No thanks," said Laurie.

"Woohoo! Alliance!" shouted Spud. "All right now, heads up, everyone! I'm gullible, get distracted easily, and like, cannot say no to a dare!"

 **CONFESSIONAL**

MacArthur chortled. "Good to know!"

Sanders nodded.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

In spite of the Rockers getting the first cab, Noah and Owen were the first team to reach the next Don Box.

"Woohoo! First place!" said Owen excitedly.

Noah took the tip and read it. "It's an All-In. Teams have to sit in a dry sauna-"

"Awesome!" Owen exclaimed.

Noah continued, "-Fully clothed, at the highest heat for ten minutes."

Owen had started undressing, but quickly got dressed again upon hearing this. "Ha! That's awesome!" he said in dismay.

Cut to Don in his sauna again.

"Each sauna has just enough room for two teams," he explained, "and the ten-minute timer doesn't start until both teams have crammed inside."

Noah continued reading. "After the sauna, collect the next travel tip at the Don Box directly across the semi-frozen river."

A baby seal was seen sitting on a block of floating ice. It suddenly sneezed and slid off the ice into the water.

Owen clapped his hands. "Let's do this!" He started to run to the saunas, but was stopped by Noah.

"Wait!" Noah said. "Mind if we wait for…Emma and Kitty, maybe?"

"Do I mind? Not in the least!" Owen replied cheerfully.

They intended to stay in first/second place with the Sisters, but while waiting by one of the saunas, the Rockers arrived and ran into the sauna, claiming first place.

"We were in first place," said Owen, "Now we're in second place."

"Relax, buddy, we'll get there," Noah assured him.

The Goths arrived next and joined the Rockers in the first sauna, closing the door behind them.

"Third place!" said Owen.

"Still top three," replied Noah confidently.

Then several more teams rushed by and piled into some of the other saunas.

"Now I don't know what place we're in," said Owen, "But it sure is way back!"

Noah frowned. "Okay, seriously, where are they?" he said impatiently. Suddenly he noticed that Emma and Kitty were standing right there, next to them.

"Oh, hey, girls!" said Noah mock shyly. "Let's see, it's two teams per sauna. Hey, look at that! We're two teams!"

"A sauna together, huh?" said Kitty slyly. "Sounds hot." She nudged Emma in the ribs.

Shortly later, they were sitting in the sauna and looking very sweaty and uncomfortable.

"Soooo hot!" moaned Kitty. "How long is it?"

Owen blinked. "Don't you think that's a rather personal question, Kitty?"

Kitty, Emma and Noah all sneered at Owen.

"You stupid git!" said Noah, "She meant how long have we been in the sauna!"

"Oh, sorry," said Owen.

"I think you'd better not say anything else until you can learn a little more classy lingo," remarked Emma, who was really put off by Owen's implication.

"Could someone please just tell me how long it is?" said Kitty.

Emma eyed her balefully.

"All right, I'll say it in better words!" Kitty said. "How long's it been? Ten minutes?"

"One minute," said Emma.

Kitty clawed at her collar.

"So, uh…" Noah started to say.

"Too hot to talk!" said Emma.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Just when I think Owen can't possibly get any weirder, he suddenly does," said Noah. "But at least I'm making headway with Emma."

"And all it cost us was our lead," said Owen.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Jacques and Josee were looking extremely uncomfortable in their ice skating clothing.

"Why are ice dancing clothes so well insulated?" complained Jacques. He looked at Josee's lava rock. "You know, your good luck charm thing might be broken."

"Perhaps not," countered Josee, "Right now, our main competition are that little boy and his dweeb father. The heat will destroy them." She grinned evilly.

"Uh, I don't really think of myself as a little boy, you two," said Junior, who shared the sauna with them and his father Dwayne. "And while this heat is intense, I can still-"

"Don't worry, son," said Dwayne, "I won't let those guys get to you."

"Oooh, looks like the kid is kind of a papa's boy," remarked Jacques. "Maybe he can't get along without him."

"Dad, don't baby me in front of the other teams!" Junior implored, "I don't need anybody thinking I'm a weakling!"

"You're not a weakling, son," said Dwayne, "You just need a little encouragement in the courage department, and my manly charm can help you with that." He patted Junior's head.

Junior sighed and huddled back, away from his dad and the Ice Dancers. The Ice Dancers, meanwhile, couldn't decide whether to continue wallowing in the misery of the heat, or to take into account the perceived status of the Father/Son team's strength/weakness.

Don continued to narrate while the other teams were shown in their respective saunas. "As the remaining teams get cooking, some take the chance to unwind, while others take the chance to talk strategy."

In their sauna, Carrie used her sleeve to wipe Devin's forehead.

"Is it me, or is it getting smaller in here?" inquired Devin.

"The heat's just getting to you, is all," Carrie reassured him.

In another sauna, Laurie and Miles looked miffed to be fully dressed in a Finnish sauna, even with the company of the Police Cadets.

"Whomever thought of the brilliant idea of wearing clothing in a hot dry sauna ought to be pulverized," groaned Miles.

"After this leg, whether we stay in the Race or not, I'm going to stuff some raw meat down Don's throat and choke him," said Laurie.

"You carry raw meat around with you?!" Miles exclaimed. "What are you, a polar bear?"

Laurie raised an eyebrow. "And are you a tricky little ape?"

In the sauna the Rockers and the Goths were in, Rock and Spud looked relieved to see that their time was almost up.

"Almost time to jet," said Rock.

"Great," said Spud, "'Cause this heat's getting to me. It looks like those two are melting." He pointed at the Goths.

"Relax, dude," said Rock, "They're totally not-whoa! THOSE TWO ARE MELTING!"

The Goths sat there, as expressionless as ever, but their bone-white Goth makeup was melting and running off their faces. They glanced at each other, and suddenly gasped in surprise and alarm.

The timer buzzed as it reached zero.

"First place!" cried Ennui as he and Crimson hurriedly raced out of the sauna.

"And they're off!" Don said, "Some very fast, others not so much."

Dwayne and Junior walked out of their sauna. "You two really should learn not to dress in ice skating costumes all the time," said Junior.

"I agree," said Dwayne, "It's so unfashionable."

Junior facepalmed.

The Ice Dancers tried to attack them, but the heat had gotten to them so much, they collapsed on the ground, half-outside the sauna, as Father/Son moved on.

In the Sisters' and Pros' sauna, Kitty suddenly noticed a wooden bucket full of water at her feet. She grabbed it and emptied its contents over her head.

"Oh!" she said with relief, "I didn't know dry saunas had water."

"Uh, actually, it isn't water… It's Owen's sweat," said Noah, gesturing at his partner. Owen was sweating excessively, and it was pooling into three or four of those buckets.

"I am a sweat volcano…" groaned Owen.

Kitty shrieked.

A second later, their timer ran out. Kitty was first out the door, screaming in disgust all the way to the river. Noah and Emma walked out next, and were nearly bowled over by Owen, who was desperate to cool off.

Jacques and Josee were practically crawling toward the river. Evidently, the heat of the sauna had almost wiped them out. Jacques was suddenly trampled on the head by shrieking Kitty as she rushed past.

"Well, that was rude!" he said, only to be trampled on the head by Owen a split second later.

The Goths had stopped at the river and were hesitating to jump in.

"There's the semi-frozen river," droned Ennui, stating the obvious, as if stalling at the opportunity to jump in.

Then Kitty bumped into them, and they all fell into the water. The Goths had to swim now. Kitty resurfaced and tried to get Owen's sweat off her skin and clothing.

"Ssssooooo uncleeeaaannnnn!" she shivered, as Owen suddenly joined her in the river. Owen came up encased in transparent ice, his teeth chattering.

Noah and Emma made it next. "Whoa! That looks way too cold!" Emma said.

"Aw, come on, it's not that bad," said Noah, before jumping in himself. He came up shivering like crazy.

"Sssseeeeeee?" he stammered from the cold, also chattering his teeth. But then, he thought of an idea.

"I know. Ride Owen!" he said to Emma.

"Are you sure?" asked Emma.

"Sure, he won't mind," said Noah.

Emma stepped on Owen's iced head. It sank slightly, but stopped just short of freezing Emma's feet.

"See? He's fine," assured Noah.

The four of them continued onward.

On the other side of the river, Dwayne and Junior emerged from the water and stood by the Don Box.

"Go to downtown Oulu and get ready to air out your rock-on," read Junior.

"Oh, don't worry, Junior," said Dwayne, "I won't let anybody hit you with any rocks."

Junior rolled his eyes. "I think they're probably talking about rock 'n roll, Dad," Junior informed him.

"Oh," said Dwayne. "He, he, smart kid!"

When the Goths came out of the water, their long-haired wigs fell off their heads, revealing more shorter, real hair. They didn't fail to notice when they looked at each other, that their skin was much more flesh-colored now. They yelled. Their Goth makeup had all but washed off!

They each looked in a handheld mirror and were even more dismayed. They yelled again.

"My face!" said Ennui.

"Don't look at me!" urged Crimson.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"We've only been dating for three years, so naturally, we've never seen each other 'un-Gothed,'" said Ennui as he and Crimson wore paper bags with eyeholes over their heads.

"I feel like a corpse that washed up on shore, but in a bad way," said Crimson, as if she was being philosophical.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Laurie and Miles were staring uneasily at the semi-frozen river, shivering half-to-death in their thin hippie outfits after having been in that sauna.

"I've been in saunas before, but never anything like this," said Laurie, "I'll die of shock if I jump in that!"

"The other racers didn't," offered Miles, "But such things have happened before. But there's only one way to know for sure. You go first!" She pushed Laurie into the water.

Laurie reemerged, shivering terribly for a few seconds. Then, with an angry flash of yellow in her eyes, she rounded on Miles. "You crazy tomato!" she growled, grabbing Miles' ankle and yanking her into the water.

Miles came up shivering too. As soon as she got over it, she pointed an accusing finger at Laurie and screeched, "I hate meat so much!" Then the extremely vexed and miffed Fakers swam to the other side.

Rock and Spud had just arrived at that same spot the Fakers previously occupied. They were about to cross, when…

"Hey, Spud!" said MacArthur, from behind them, "Dare you to kiss that seal!"

Spud looked. The baby seal seen earlier was resting alone on its ice block again.

"No, Spud!" urged Rock, "Don't listen to her-!"

"Double dare!" said cunning MacArthur with a grin.

Then Spud got the wrong idea in his head.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"There's something I've learned again and again," said Spud. "If something sounds like a bad idea, looks like a bad idea, and requires a dare to do it, it's gonna be CRAAAZYYYY!"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Spud swam over to the seal's ice block and got a little too close.

"Aw, he's just a cute little guy," said Spud confidently. And then…

The little seal leapt into the air and landed, clamped mouth downwards, on Spud's head.

Rock was alarmed. "Whoa! He did not see that coming!"

"Hmm, killer baby seal! That's a new one!" commented MacArthur as she and Sanders swam on.

Spud just stood there as if his head was numb, and he couldn't realize what had just happened.

"Delayed pain reaction over in three… two… one…" counted Rock.

As soon as Rock was finished counting, Spud cried out in pain, and began racing back and forth on the shore Rock still stood on.

This went on for about… twenty minutes or so.

* * *

In downtown Oulu, the teams at the front discovered the Don Box near a large stage, with Finnish rock 'n roll fans standing in front of it, dressed and made-up like Goths, ready for some excitement.

Owen was first out of his cab. "Cool! I wonder who's playing!"

Noah took the next tip and commented, "Ah, we are."

Emma and Kitty took a tip too. "Teams must battle it out with Finland's national sport, air guitar. Air guitar?! For real?"

Cut to Don. "For very real. Teams will be judged by this applause meter." He gestured at the meter. "Work the crowd up into a maximum frenzy, and they can rock over here, to the Chill Zone. Bottom out, and it's off to the back of the line to try, try again."

"Whoever didn't pull the rickshaw in China must perform here," said Kitty.

"Uh oh," said Noah unenthusiastically.

Shortly afterward, the teams were trying out the air guitar controls and motions. Kitty was air guitaring, and sounding like a mewling kitten as she imitated music. "How do I look?" she asked Emma cheerfully.

"Like a lunatic," said Emma, "But I think that's what we're going for, so keep it up!"

"ROCK AND ROLL!" Kitty shouted joyously.

Jen was doing her best to act like a rock star, and without much success. "I feel ridiculous. I'm a fashion designer, not a musician. And what's the point of only pretending to play a guitar?!"

"Maybe you have to try harder to adapt," suggested Tom.

"How?" asked Jen. "Am I supposed to slide on my knees?" She gave it a try, but she cried out when her knees were slightly scraped, and collapsed face down on the back stage.

"I… don't think that's a good idea," said Tom.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Air guitar," said Noah, "All the coolness of not being a musician, all the lameness of jumping around like a buffoon!"

"Yeah, this one has 'Owen' written all over it," said Owen.

"Don't worry, buddy," Noah assured him, "I'm going to channel my 'inner Owen.'"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Noah went on-stage first, and began to air guitar for the audience. Initially, he did modestly well, but he glanced at Emma, who looked like she disapproved of air guitar. He looked nervous, and tripped over a power cord connected to one of the large stacks of speakers. The speakers started to fall, but Owen leapt on top of him and shielded him from the worst of it.

The crowd started booing, and the applause meter went way down. A buzzing sound went off loudly.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"I love who you are on the inside," said Ennui to Crimson, their heads still in paper bags, "But I just can't look at you on the outside."

"I know," said Crimson, "Looking at your perky nose makes me want to vomit."

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Ennui and Crimson stood before Don back stage.

"Sorry," said Don, "Only Ridonculous Race contestants allowed."

"But it's us. I'm Ennui. This is Crimson," explained Ennui.

"That can't be," wisecracked Don, "Because I'm not even remotely creeped out!"

"But, we have a camera crew with us," said Crimson. "See?"

Don looked at said camera crew and said, "Fine, then. I guess that checks out."

Noah was returning back stage with Owen. "I don't know, man," said Owen, "It looks like your crush on Emma just got you crushed."

"Relax, Owen," said Noah, "Sure, we have to go to the back of the line, but we're still in the top three."

Then they noticed that almost all the other teams had just arrived, sans Rock and Spud. Noah counted them and clapped his face. "Ah, crud!"

"Looks like it's my turn," said Ennui, walking up to the stage.

"Good luck," said Noah, "Though I wouldn't recommend you wear that paper bag on your head. You never know what those Finns will think of you."

"I know," said Ennui, "It isn't easy being un-Gothed."

He started to air guitar, quite enthusiastically, but a Finnish fan who spoke some English yelled, "Get off the stage, preppie!"

Booing started, and Ennui looked like he was dejected. An invisible man with a very long crook, like a shepherd's crook, yanked Ennui off-stage with the kind of speed that only exists in cartoons.

Kitty tried it next, but she didn't seem to work up enough enthusiasm among the fans. They threw tomatoes at her face. She glared. The crook yanked her off-stage.

MacArthur air guitared, but not good enough, again. More tomatoes. The crook yanked her back, too.

Junior accidentally kicked off a shoe as he air guitared. Tomato time. Crook time.

Laurie couldn't figure out how to do it. She got a face full of tomatoes, too.

"Nice try!" she shouted. "I'm a vegan. I eat these all the time."

The audience threw dead fish at her.

"NO! Anything but that!" she shrieked.

Miles glowered off-stage. "Hypocrite!" she yelled.

Laurie glared back for a second. "Bring it on, Finnish killers!" she yelled. "I can take it-!"

The crook yanked her back, too.

"It seems no one can air out their rock on," commented Don. "Does that make sense?"

Jacques tried to do a twirl, but he got a nasty shock from the frayed cord Noah had tripped over, and fell down.

"And even when they get a groove on," said Don, "They trip over it!"

"Why are there even wires up here?" demanded Jacques, "This is air guitar!"

Jen attempted to perform well next, but the same Finnish fan from before shouted, "Hey! Another preppie! Get off the stage, tanned broad!"

Jen almost cried. "They don't like my fashion," she thought. "It's so sick!"

"Or perhaps they just lack that special something," said Don.

"Crimson?" said Devin, sounding delighted. "Wow! Your face is so…flesh-colored!"

"I love your hair!" complimented Carrie.

Crimson looked insecure. "You're throwing a lot of positive emotions my way, and I don't know what to do with that."

Carrie and Devin looked surprised to hear this.

"I'm not a preppie," Ennui insisted to himself, "I'm a Goth, even without my makeup." But he still couldn't work up the crowd at all, and they continued to boo him.

"Will anyone pass this challenge?" Don asked. "Seriously, this is pathetic."

Soon, Rock and Spud finally caught up. Spud looked numb and dumb from his encounter with the seal.

"Have we lost yet?" Rock asked anyone who cared to answer.

"No, but I have faith you will," said Josee.

"Air guitar!" exclaimed Rock. "Cool! I can totally do that!" He air guitared right there, until Junior spoke.

"Actually, you can't," Junior said, "You were supposed to pull the rickshaw in China, so it's his turn." He pointed at Spud.

"But he's trying to recover from-whomp!-seal venom or whatever!" Rock protested.

"Well, tough noogies, Rocker," said Josee smugly. "He still has to do it."

So soon enough, Spud was standing totally still in front of the audience, doing nothing. They started to boo, and the applause meter started going down.

"Oh, man!" said Rock, "This is SO over!"

But before the buzzer could go off, Spud's right hand's fingers started to twitch in tune to the music. Then, his left foot started toe tapping. He began nodding half-consciously to the music, and suddenly, he came completely to life. He sprung into action and began a passionate and enthusiastic air guitar playing on-stage.

The crowd began to cheer for the first time. The applause meter began to rise. Evidently, Spud was doing an excellent job.

"Man," said Rock, "I was worried about Spud being all-woooo-and never using his brains, but then I realized that's what makes him so awesome!"

Spud asked to borrow a lighter from Rock. With it, he concluded his performance by igniting a fart from his rear.

The applause meter reached the highest level, and a sound like a police siren sounded. All the other teams were astonished by the Rockers' success.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"We're allowed to break wind?" said MacArthur. "Why didn't anyone tell me!?"

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Rock and Spud raced to the Carpet of Completion. "And so, the Rockers take first place, for the first time!" Don congratulated them. "There isn't a soul in Finland who isn't filled with joy right now."

"In the meantime," he continued, "with the Rockers' example fresh in their minds, teams amp up their performances with rocking results."

MacArthur imitated Spud's flaming fart after her performance.

Kitty was seen playing her air guitar with gusto.

Jacques played his air guitar with his feet and ankles on two far apart speakers.

Junior did a surprisingly good copy of Spud's movements.

Laurie was still having a bit of trouble.

"Laurie!" shouted Miles, "It's air guitar, not fix your navel!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE, MILES!" Laurie roared, putting some fury into her motions, very un-serene. The crowd seemed to like it. Miles felt like she had created a monster.

"Second place!" Don said to MacArthur and Sanders shortly afterwards.

"Third place!" to Laurie and Miles.

"Fourth place, Jacques and Josee!"

"Fourth AGAIN?!" The Ice Dancers cried.

"Fifth!" Geoff and Brody.

"Sixth!" Dwayne and Junior. Dwayne was pinching Junior's cheek, much to his son's embarrassment.

"Seventh!" Emma and Kitty.

"Eighth!" Chet and Lorenzo.

"Ninth!" Carrie and Devin.

"As the teams check into the Chill Zone," Don continued, "the race for not last falls down to the final three teams: the Reality TV Pros, the Goths, and the Fashion Bloggers. Which pair will be rocked out of this Race?"

Noah was seen failing again. The invisible man with the crook yanked him back stage again. Not one racer knew where that crook came from, or how it, and its owner, vanished so instantaneously after pulling them offstage.

"How did we go from first to last?" Owen asked in confusion.

Noah gave him an 'Isn't it obvious?' expression.

"Oh, right," said Owen. "Well, on the bright side, the Goths seem to be having just as bad luck as we are."

Ennui had just been booed off the stage again. He put his paper bag back on and walked over to Crimson.

"Crimson," he said, "this is just what the world is for us right now. I think I know how to handle it."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"We're quitting," said Ennui.

Crimson nodded.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"You're sure about this, now?" said Don, "Because if you quit the race before being eliminated, or before winning, you won't be able to get back in."

"We're sure, Don," said Crimson, "We've just got to learn to accept ourselves for who we really are."

She and Ennui took off their paper bags and managed to smile warmly at each other.

"Alright, then," said Don, "The Goths are cut from the competition. But I must say, this round is still intended to be an elimination round, so after only one team is left on the stage, this will become a double elimination."

"Suits us fine," said Crimson, as they walked off.

"Whew!" said Don with morbid relief. "I won't have to worry about having any more nightmares now!"

On their way out, Crimson and Ennui noticed the Ice Dancers fiddling around with their lava rock.

"Whoa! Is that a Hawaiian lava rock?" inquired Crimson.

"What of it?" said Jacques.

"That's hardcore," remarked Ennui, "Those things cast a shroud of darkness over all who plunder them."

"May we have it?" Crimson asked.

"Your 'good luck charm's' been cursing us all this time?!" Jacques reprimanded his partner. "Well done, Josee!"

"Thanks!" said Josee to the Goths, ignoring Jacques for the moment. "How do we break the curse?"

"You can either sacrifice a virgin, or toss it away-anywhere in Hawaii," said Ennui.

"Hmm, sacrificing a virgin doesn't sound too bad," said Josee, eyeing Jacques.

Jacques recoiled, then glared at Josee.

Josee snorted un-ladylike. "Fine. We'll toss it!"

"Did you hear that?" said Tom, "Even though the Goths just quit, a team's still going to be eliminated at the end of this round!"

"They think I'm a freak," said Jen nervously, "I can't go out there again. They'll take my face off! I'll bring the whole city down on me!"

"Jen," said Tom, "It isn't something to get worried about. We're the trendsetter and fashionista of fashion blogging. So what if those Finnish Goths can't understand our impeccable good taste? Get out there, and show them that anybody can air guitar!" He smiled at her.

She smiled back. "LET'S ROCK!" And she started to return onstage.

At the same time, Kitty was trying to get Emma to give Noah some moral support so he could make it through the challenge.

"Just tell Noah that you think air guitar is cute or something, and then he'll do better!" she urged her older sister.

"No!" insisted Emma. "Then he'll know I like him! We'll end up dating, falling in love, I'll end up losing the race, I won't be able to pay for law school, Noah will dump me, and I'll spend the rest of my life crying into a bowl of cereal!"

"Okay, then," said Kitty reluctantly.

"Noah'll be fine," said Emma, "It's not like Jen's gonna finish first."

"Move it!" yelled Jen at that moment, racing past them. "Time to get my fashionable air on!"

Kitty and Emma watched her go by. Kitty said to Emma, "You have to do something!"

Before Jen could make it onstage, Emma called out, "Jen! Congratulations! I'm so impressed you're doing this!"

"Thanks, Emma!" Jen replied.

"I mean," continued Emma, "with your clean, fashionable clothes, and so many people getting hit by tomatoes up there. It could get you really dirty."

"But," said a confused Jen, "I never got tomatoes thrown at ME before."

"True," said Emma, "But there's a first time for everything, and that crowd looks mighty unpredictable out there!"

Jen shivered at the thought.

"Anyway, good luck!" said Emma good-naturedly, and walked away.

"Uhh," said Jen, suddenly jittery as she returned to the stage. She moved her hands into position to air guitar, but then she imagined that she was getting hit all over by tomatoes and dead fish, dirtying her impeccable clothing and stinking her up. A second later, it happened for real as the impatient crowd began booing again.

"No, please!" begged Jen, "Don't do this to me!" She fell over and hugged herself.

Tom rushed onstage at that moment. "I'm here, Jen!" Then, he noticed the crowd turning their disgusted glares on him.

"Another preppie!" yelled the obnoxious fan from before yet again. "Hey! You look like an idiot with that fez on!"

Tom squealed in shock. "NOOOOOO!" he shrieked, collapsing beside Jen.

The applause meter went all the way down. A few seconds later, the infamous crook violently pulled Tom and Jen offstage with lightning speed.

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Poor Jen," said Emma remorsefully, "She didn't deserve that kind of treatment."

"Are you sure you mean that?" asked Kitty skeptically.

"Well, I couldn't let Noah get sent home," said Emma, "I like him."

"Tell him!" Kitty exclaimed.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

"Wow!" said Owen. "This might be our last chance!"

"But if Emma's watching, I can't!" complained Noah.

"Oh, come on," said Owen, "You think Emma wants to date a quitter?"

"Maybe…" Noah said meekly.

"Racing with you has been the most fun ever," said Owen. "There's no one else in the world I'd rather eat eyeballs with. But if we get eliminated, it's over for us, and for you and Emma! Is that really what you want?"

Noah was amazed at how smart his partner actually was at that moment. "Gee, big guy, I… I don't know what to say."

Owen shushed him and replied, "You just need to stop worrying about being some girl's hero for a while, and be my hero."

Noah finally returned to the stage one more time. Thinking about Owen's words, he put his best effort into action as the music started playing, and this time, he showed the sort of guts and passion that air guitar players usually shoed when "playing." The applause meter went up. Noah continued his great performance. At its end, Owen came out and lifted Noah into the air as if showing him off. The siren sounded, and Noah and Owen were allowed to "rock over" to the Chill Zone finally.

"Don't tell anyone," said Emma to Kitty, "but, Noah just got me to like air guitar."

 **CONFESSIONAL**

"Aw, good to have you back, pal!" said Owen happily.

"Yeah," said Noah, "I can't believe my feelings for Emma almost cost us the Race. Buddy, I am off Emma for good."

"Yeah-what?" Owen exclaimed. "No, you don't have to do that!"

"Oh, no," Noah replied, "If she was into me, she'd have said something by now. It's time to move on."

 **ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL**

"I didn't realize how much Noah meant to me until he almost left," said Emma. "Taking him for granted all this time was wrong. That's going to change."

"I don't know," said Kitty, "Are you sure he's still into you?"

The Sisters looked at each other, and then laughed together.

 **CONFESSIONAL ENDS**

Tom and Jen were taking turns breathing through a paper bag and brushing off their clothes with little success as Don walked over to them.

"Fashion Bloggers," he said, "You ran a good race, and showed off some interesting trends, some of which are very in, like this." He showed them a fez hat he was wearing. "But I'm sorry; you're out of the Race."

"Yeah, we figured as much," said Tom. Jen groaned.

 _Cut to footage of Crimson and Ennui racing around the world._

 _"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really had a good time on the Race," said Ennui._

 _"Yes," said Crimson, "Even with the predicament that caused us to quit, it was fun while it lasted."_

 _"And we also learned that we can love the darkness without necessarily having to look dark," said Ennui._

 _"I should say so," said Crimson._

 _"I don't think I'll put my makeup back on, on the way home," Ennui concluded._

 _"Me neither," said Crimson, "It's time we both grew up."_

 _Cut to footage of Tom and Jen racing around the world._

 _"I guess 'the team to beat' was beaten after all," said Jen._

 _"Yeah," said Tom, "But even with this embarrassing ending, we had a great time."_

 _"I agree," said Jen, "We showed off our own kinds of fashionable clothing to the world, and we contributed a few details to fashion in the process, all while racing halfway around the planet."_

 _"And I don't care what those weirdos say," said Tom, "Fez hats will become the thing again, all over the-"_

 _Once more, the Finnish fan showed himself. He had snuck back stage, and started taunting the Bloggers. "Take your preppie ways back where you came from, losers!"_

 _"Not him again!?" Jen screamed._

 _"Run for it!" yelled Tom._

 _"Yes, you'd better run!" taunted the Goth kid. He heard a voice behind him say, "Security!"_

 _A few Ridonculous Race security guards grabbed him and hurled him out of the stage._

 _"Sorry," said Don, "but it's my job to reprimand the racers, buddy, not yours. Now, go home!"_

 _The wacko ran away without another word._

"Eight teams are gone, ten remain," Don concluded this episode. "Who will make it all the way? Keep on watching… The Ridonculous Race!"

 **1st place: Rock & Spud  
** **2nd place: MacArthur & Sanders  
** **3rd place: Laurie & Miles  
** **4th place: Jacques & Josee  
** **5th place: Geoff & Brody  
** **6th place: Dwayne & Junior  
** **7th place: Emma & Kitty  
** **8th place: Chet & Lorenzo  
** **9th place: Carrie & Devin  
** **10th place: Noah & Owen** **  
**

 **ELIMINATED:**

 **11th place: Tom & Jen  
** **12th place: Crimson & Ennui (quit)  
** **13th place: Kelly & Taylor  
** **14th place: Stephanie & Ryan  
** **15th place: Jay & Mickey  
** **16th place: Ellody & Mary  
** **17th place: Gerry & Pete  
** **18th place: Leonard & Tammy**

* * *

 **A/N: The joke about "How long is it?" and "That's rather a personal question," comes from a Monty Python sketch, the Lifeboat Cannibal sketch, to be more specific. It's a little tricky to explain what the joke meant without risking ruining the family friendly nature of this story, so you'll have to figure that one out for yourself.**


End file.
